Unpopular Isolation: My Journey to Discover Where I Stand

Refuge: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble

I hesitate to write this. I hesitate not because of fear of my thoughts but pre-felt heartbreak at what I assume will not be kind responses.  

  

But today I sat at the table with my husband and asked this question: 

        

What if I find that the culture of the Kingdom is different than both? Do I stay silent? Do I have a place to fit in?" 

  

I'm not sure if I've fully found where I stand but I know this journey isn't leading me down a very comfortable road. It's challenging me in real places of fear and my own wisdom and what I'm seeing is God doesn't think like me... and He doesn't want me to think like me. 

  

Before I move forward I hope you will hear me. I would never write something with the intent to condemn anyone, judge anyone, or cause more division. If there is anything I've learned from Jesus it's that we need less boundaries between us. We need less boundaries between us within the church and we need less boundaries between us and the world. We are set a part but we are to be accessible, slow to anger, quick to love. What I'm writing in these next few paragraphs isn't meant to harm it's meant to challenge. Challenge me. Challenge you.  

Challenge us to question our wisdom and evaluate our words. Determine where we really stand. 

Also know this. I'm willing to be challenged myself. I can only offer what I've read and maybe I am limited. Challenge me- kindly please. Offer your counters. But know this, I'm not interested in your opinions even though I respect them. If I'm to be a believer I need to know what God says even above you and your wisdom of things of this world that probably surpass my wisdom. I'm not afraid to be proven wrong- I am afraid of believing wrong. Lives are in the balance and how I believe and my ultimate response to those beliefs are directly related to those lives. 

  

Friday night a greater spotlight was shed on an issue that has been circulating our society since 9/11. War and fighting has been going on since then and we are seeing one of the greatest threats we have ever known (at least in my lifetime) grow in number and voice and seemingly strength. This past week my home has been full of dialogue. Being pregnant, and I'm sure parents all over can relate, fear gripped me. Even guilt gripped me. I don't want our daughter growing up in scary times. I don't want danger near her. I want to know how we are going to protect her. How am I going to keep her, my husband, and our family safe? This was a real question for me. I didn't know how to answer it. I looked at the devastation that occurred in Paris and felt helpless- what if that happens here? 

  

I looked at my husband and wanted him to answer me. Tell me he knew the answers. He didn't. As I struggled with these thought's throughout the next few days he and I began reading articles and seeing new stories being circulated. Honestly, we already knew things were not good overseas, I even wrote about it a while back. We have friends whose churches were aiding the refugee crisis. But all of the sudden these things were being questioned. Should we as Americans help? How much help? 

  

I couldn't answer.  

  

All of the sudden the welfare of these faceless and nameless people, people who don't look, think, believe, or even speak like me, seemed a little too intrusive to my comfort. This is America- land of the free and my freedom felt like it was in jeopardy because what if someone masquerading as a victim is really the villain. That's not a risk I want to take. 

  

I wanted to leave my thoughts there. They aren't my responsibility. They aren't my brothers, my sisters, my nieces or nephews. They aren't my friends. But I couldn't shake this lingering thought that I was missing something. Something wasn't right about what I was accepting. 

  

Then a friend of mine posted an article from Relevant Magazine. It was very simple and included 12 verses that discussed what scripture says about foreigners and those seeking refuge.  

These words hit me: 

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise." (Luke 10:36-37) 

I'm right, they aren't my friends or my brothers or sisters. The question was never who they were to me. It was always about who I am to the world. I am THEIR neighbor.  

  

Reading these 12 scriptures (and mind you I realize that it's only 12 but I haven't read 1 that contradicts them or discredits them- I've seen no exceptions) made me realize that I have it all wrong. I'm looking at these people like they have to be something, believe something, or do something that merits them my aid or my service. Christ's mandate to the church was never that the world earn anything- it was that the world could never earn grace or mercy but that we should give it anyway. 

  

Everything about walking out our lives as believers trumps what it means to walk out our lives as Americans. I am proud to be an American but in the most patriotic way I am more of a citizen of the Kingdom of God than of the U.S. Neither negates the other but one DEFINITELY trumps the other. 

  

I find that we believers pray that God would once again reign as the center of our nation- that our values would once again be based off of the principals of the Bible. Are we sure? Because a lot of what I read challenges our American ideals. It requires selflessness. It demands we put down decisions out of fear and do what scripture illustrates- even at the expense of ourselves. Biblical values are not easy and the require a lot of sacrifice and very little (if any) room for selfishness or self preservation. Jesus was all about our good at His expense and then said you do what I do. 

  

I don't want to assume the position of a political person. I'm far from it. But I do want to be a good picture of who Jesus is to a world who DESPERATELY needs Him. I have to believe that if God said to embrace the foreigner and do good to them that it's because the benefits there are eternal for both parties and the consequences of not are equally eternal for both parties.  

  

I'd rather be found obedient and trust that God would honor me there then be found safe and look as if I'm ashamed of the Gospel that really is good news for ALL people- Jew and Gentile, slave or free.  

  

These ideas are hard and I never wanted to be the person to present them. To be the presenter of ideas that challenge two different cultures is scary- but to be quiet is cowardliness. I will be no coward. 

  

I don't know the remedy here, friends. I don't know the solutions. But I know that citizenship of country and citizenship of kingdom can no longer be separate. Our ideals and beliefs have to come from scripture. Only then are we truly looking out for the best interest of our families and our nation and ultimately the world. It was never easy being a follower of Jesus but the benefits were never meant to be here on earth anyway.  

I pray the church really does rise up. That we truly become the voice of Jesus and a loving God to a world who feels He is so opposite. I pray that kingdom culture be the thing that turns the hearts of generations back to the Father. And I pray that starts with us- putting down our swords and fear filled words and embracing faith and love and the nature of the one who saved us and set the example. 

  

The solution is in there- in being true disciples. Not just the solution for us but the solution for humanity. That solution really is Jesus anyway, right? So that makes sense. 

I'll leave you with this...

When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. (Leviticus 19:33-34)

I'm SO Pregnant... By the Way

You know how you can walk around the house and know you need to tell someone something but you just can't seem to think of what it is...

You'd think I'd have remembered to mention this...

SURPRISE! We are pregnant!

29 weeks to be exact.  (Insert guilty grin here)

If you've followed my blog even a little bit, have known us for any length of time, you know that we were in a very interesting battle of infertility. We didn't know if/when/how we would get pregnant or become parents. It was a desire of our hearts separately as friends and then together as a couple to be parents- not just to our own biological children but to be adoptive and foster parents somewhere a long in our journey.

Ideally we would have had 2 kids of our own, let them grow up some, and then begin the foster/adoptive parts of our lives. That's not exactly what happened.

What a lot of people don't know is that when God called us to move more towards full time ministry (still haven't made it there yet) and I quit my corporate job we had to sacrifice a lot of things behind closed doors. It wasn't just the comfort of being able to pay bills and then have excess for fun things, it was also some very painful sacrifices. Counting the cost became very real to us in the time. See, we were in the process of getting evaluated to see how in depth this infertility battle really was and we were a few months out from starting some level of fertility treatment. When God said step out- He also said let go. Let go of anything we were capable of doing to get pregnant. Let go of any hope of a say so in when a baby would enter our family- and say God we trust you with my (what seems to be) broken body.

I was heartbroken.

But I knew I would be no good as a mother if I couldn't surrender everything to God then. So in tears and confusion I resigned my job and good things followed.

Then the day came when another negative pregnancy test happened. I almost wasn't sad anymore- just annoyed and angry. A few days later, with a resounding clarity, I knew it was time to talk to Cyler about starting our fostering journey. If there is a stronger word than "pissed off" that's how I felt with God. Of course I wanted to love and be a part of the healing process for innocent little ones- but I wanted to love MY babies first! Why would God call me, a woman who was struggling to conceive, to love babies from a woman/women that seemed to be able to have babies with no issues. Again, we had to count the cost. This one almost felt too expensive.

So, we started our P.R.I.D.E classes. The more we heard about these faceless children the more we wept for them. Slowly I began to surrender the need to have my own children. I just wanted to love and somehow was falling in love with kids I didn't even know yet. As the conflict in my heart settled, hope seemed to creep it's way back in.

Then the kids came. Whoa. That was crazy. Our two boys and eventually little baby girl made my heart grow and ache in ways I didn't know exist. I was a mom. They were my babies. I would have (and still would) give the world for those little ones. They brought reality to my desire to be a mom- the realities of joy and the realities of the difficulties that come with that title. Never in my life could I have imagined the things 3 littles under 7 could teach me.

A few weeks before they left us I started to feel really sick. I thought I was sick because of stress and knowing that they would be leaving us and I couldn't do anything about it. Those were some hard days. I didn't want to eat and I constantly felt like I could cry and throw up.
We went to eat with our Pastors one night and they could see the stress on both of our faces. At one point they asked if I had taken a pregnancy test- to which I replied (very snippy if I'm honest) "NO! Why would I?! It's always negative!" Very sweetly they looked at me and said promise us you will take one tomorrow just to be sure. I couldn't be frustrated with them, they knew the battle of infertility all to well.
So... I took the test.

That positive line showed up so fast I hyperventilated. I called my best friend Chelsea and was shouting "There is TWO LINES!! TWO LINES!" She didn't even know I was taking a test so she was really confused and then it hit her. She cried and squealed. Then suddenly stopped and said "Are you crying because you are happy? Or??" To which I replied "I DON'T KNOW!!"
HA!

I was suddenly staring at something I hadn't seen- a positive test. It was amazing. Scary. And so surprising.
I was so happy. I was so bummed (because I knew this stomach bug had no remedy lol). I was so nervous- our life was in a whirlwind and this wasn't what I pictured our life looking like when we found out we were pregnant.

The next few weeks were CUH-RAZY! The boys left, the baby stayed, we had to run a youth summer camp, I was puking... really it was a party in our house for the first few weeks.

Then I found out I was already 2+ months pregnant. What?! I had been walking around with my promise long before I knew God was even listening to me.

I could talk about the next few months forever. So many things happened and my heart went through so many emotions. I stopped being sick, found out we were having a boy then found out it was actually a girl- I'm telling you nothing about this story is normal. I would have to write a short story just to make it worth while.

Today we are 28 weeks and 5 days. Baby Harper moves and kicks and grows everyday. It's amazing to have a tangible reminder everyday that God is faithful. If I ever question that she kicks me extra hard and I can't help but smile and tear up.

So many women battle with infertility or loss when it comes to children. I count myself among the blessed to not have had to walk that road for as long as so many. I hope this post- and any that come after- will encourage you of this. If God did it for me He WILL do it for you. Sometimes the route is unconventional and His faithfulness is seen it the deepest pains of obedience but He IS faithful. He does care. And He, like a good father, WILL keep His promises.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for us to have a little one of our own. You were part of what held our heads up when things got tough.

Today (and most days) I'm praying for ladies, by name and unknown, who are still waiting for their promise.

If you'd like someone agreeing a praying for you daily feel free to send me an email. Sometimes it helps to have someone faithing it with you. I'd love to do that.

Today's message- God is faithful. Don't give up. Even if things seem ridiculously backwards- you are probably right where you need to be. Learn Him there and He will take you where He has promised.

If you'd like, email me at:
danielle.n.craig@gmail.com

A Few Days in the Wilderness

(Image credit: By Nikola Bjelajac found forumartcentre.com)

Silence is such an interesting thing. It's described as golden, deafening, telling, wise, rude... One word, one action, so many different perceptions.

Normally, when blogging, silence is the worst decision ever. Especially when you are trying to get the word out about your thoughts and ideas...
But in these 7 months of silence I processed my world in such a different way. I allowed my silence (and subsequently your silence) to challenge me to invest in my emotions without validation, correction, or security that is found in a public platform.

Basically, I learned how to dive into feelings, feel them, and find growth and ultimately God in all (or at least most) of them. The topic of emotions is very interesting among circles I find myself in. They are either dangerous and should be pushed past or they are to be our guiding force- our compass if you will. Here is my analysis after some much needed time in my wilderness of silence. Emotions are powerful! They can overtake you and cause you to make permanent decisions based off of a temporary situation or the can be used as highlighters in life: meant to be used to highlight an area that needs some attention and figure out the purpose behind that particular joy, pain, or any strange emotion in between.

Thinking about the analogy of the wilderness is pretty funny to me. Ideally I'd like to compare these past few months to Jesus' wilderness experience (and maybe in some instances it is comparable) but really, truly, I think I more relate to the wilderness of Moses' journey. Seriously, he talked with God, was leading God's people, witnessed INSANE supernatural wonders- and the dude struggled a lot. He was afraid to speak, he battled anger with God (see striking rock scene), he even held onto one of the most hopeful promises for God's people-the promise land- and didn't even get to walk in. Thinking realistically he probably was a little overwhelmed by the weight of his responsibility vs. the weight of his own humanity. The man killed a guy, left a palace, decided to live in a desert, finally settled down, and then God told him to pack up and go and face everything he left to save a people he barely knew and turn his back on the people that in his heart felt like family. SO. MANY. FEELS.
God was using him all while refining him and healing him. That's an interesting paradox.

That's where I felt like I've been- out in front leading but God dealing with some major things inside. Insecurity is a real thing, folks. I have a list of dis-qualifiers. They are legitimate and loud and accompanied by many voices in my head of people I love and respect who have, intentionally or unintentionally, given life to these insecurities. Grief is the heaviest real thing I've walked through. Losing people through death or other circumstance is tough on the heart. In a year we lost Moriah, we lost our 3 foster children in what I can only describe as the most confusing and heartbreaking experience I've ever witnessed, and we left a city full of people we love. Joy is the most freeing thing I've ever known. I don't think you can fully appreciate joy until you walk through a season of great sorrow. On my birthday this year we found out that what we thought was a sweet baby boy is actually a sweet little princess (also I'm pregnant... more on that story later). That was the day I felt the heaviness lift off my heart. See, I said bye to Moriah on my birthday last year. I didn't think there was a single possible way that that day could be redeemed, or that God could/would bring joy back to my life after such a loss... and then they said it's a girl. And I knew that God smiled on me and my heart and He was going to allow me to love a little girl and she would be precious to my heart just like Mo. That moment I laughed my first gut laugh in a long time. The staff thought I was crazy, but that was the first tangible hug from God I had felt in a while. Confusion is a real thing too, and we all find ourselves in that paradox at some (or multiple) points in our life. For me it was staring at the brink of answered promises and God saying "Great, now hand them back." You find how much faith you have (or don't have) in those moments. It's strange and obedience is tough in the confusing times. I can promise you it's worth it.

In all of these emotions, in the season of wilderness, God became real to me in those places. In insecurity HE became my security and continues to work on those broken and scared places in my heart. In grief HE became my comforter. He was fine being my punching bag and always responded with love sometimes through scripture and sometimes through the love and voices of those around me. In joy HE became my light. HE became faithfulness to me. When the world wasn't easy HE proved to be so. Then, in confusion HE became my answers, my solid ground, and my peace.

Here is what I think, emotions aren't scary. They aren't meant to be our guiding force but, if we let them, they can be the very thing we need to fully embrace in order to find that God is who He says He is and He is capable being God anywhere at all times. I'd like to think I'm fully out of my wilderness, but I'm quite sure I still have a few days left- although, I can see the oasis ahead. I've processed enough in silence now, though. I want to be faithful with what I've learned so I can enter my promise land, whatever that looks like.

If you are in your own wilderness, small or large, I'd like to pray for you specifically if you'd like. I know what these times, and these feelings, can do. Especially when you feel alone. Just know your not. Even if you don't say anything I'm still praying for you. Together we can walk out of our wilderness and enjoy life again.

If you'd like someone praying for you feel free to send me an email or comment if you'd like a community of prayers.

It's good to be back, guys!

If you'd like, email me at:
danielle.n.craig@gmail.com