I'm SO Pregnant... By the Way

You know how you can walk around the house and know you need to tell someone something but you just can't seem to think of what it is...

You'd think I'd have remembered to mention this...

SURPRISE! We are pregnant!

29 weeks to be exact.  (Insert guilty grin here)

If you've followed my blog even a little bit, have known us for any length of time, you know that we were in a very interesting battle of infertility. We didn't know if/when/how we would get pregnant or become parents. It was a desire of our hearts separately as friends and then together as a couple to be parents- not just to our own biological children but to be adoptive and foster parents somewhere a long in our journey.

Ideally we would have had 2 kids of our own, let them grow up some, and then begin the foster/adoptive parts of our lives. That's not exactly what happened.

What a lot of people don't know is that when God called us to move more towards full time ministry (still haven't made it there yet) and I quit my corporate job we had to sacrifice a lot of things behind closed doors. It wasn't just the comfort of being able to pay bills and then have excess for fun things, it was also some very painful sacrifices. Counting the cost became very real to us in the time. See, we were in the process of getting evaluated to see how in depth this infertility battle really was and we were a few months out from starting some level of fertility treatment. When God said step out- He also said let go. Let go of anything we were capable of doing to get pregnant. Let go of any hope of a say so in when a baby would enter our family- and say God we trust you with my (what seems to be) broken body.

I was heartbroken.

But I knew I would be no good as a mother if I couldn't surrender everything to God then. So in tears and confusion I resigned my job and good things followed.

Then the day came when another negative pregnancy test happened. I almost wasn't sad anymore- just annoyed and angry. A few days later, with a resounding clarity, I knew it was time to talk to Cyler about starting our fostering journey. If there is a stronger word than "pissed off" that's how I felt with God. Of course I wanted to love and be a part of the healing process for innocent little ones- but I wanted to love MY babies first! Why would God call me, a woman who was struggling to conceive, to love babies from a woman/women that seemed to be able to have babies with no issues. Again, we had to count the cost. This one almost felt too expensive.

So, we started our P.R.I.D.E classes. The more we heard about these faceless children the more we wept for them. Slowly I began to surrender the need to have my own children. I just wanted to love and somehow was falling in love with kids I didn't even know yet. As the conflict in my heart settled, hope seemed to creep it's way back in.

Then the kids came. Whoa. That was crazy. Our two boys and eventually little baby girl made my heart grow and ache in ways I didn't know exist. I was a mom. They were my babies. I would have (and still would) give the world for those little ones. They brought reality to my desire to be a mom- the realities of joy and the realities of the difficulties that come with that title. Never in my life could I have imagined the things 3 littles under 7 could teach me.

A few weeks before they left us I started to feel really sick. I thought I was sick because of stress and knowing that they would be leaving us and I couldn't do anything about it. Those were some hard days. I didn't want to eat and I constantly felt like I could cry and throw up.
We went to eat with our Pastors one night and they could see the stress on both of our faces. At one point they asked if I had taken a pregnancy test- to which I replied (very snippy if I'm honest) "NO! Why would I?! It's always negative!" Very sweetly they looked at me and said promise us you will take one tomorrow just to be sure. I couldn't be frustrated with them, they knew the battle of infertility all to well.
So... I took the test.

That positive line showed up so fast I hyperventilated. I called my best friend Chelsea and was shouting "There is TWO LINES!! TWO LINES!" She didn't even know I was taking a test so she was really confused and then it hit her. She cried and squealed. Then suddenly stopped and said "Are you crying because you are happy? Or??" To which I replied "I DON'T KNOW!!"
HA!

I was suddenly staring at something I hadn't seen- a positive test. It was amazing. Scary. And so surprising.
I was so happy. I was so bummed (because I knew this stomach bug had no remedy lol). I was so nervous- our life was in a whirlwind and this wasn't what I pictured our life looking like when we found out we were pregnant.

The next few weeks were CUH-RAZY! The boys left, the baby stayed, we had to run a youth summer camp, I was puking... really it was a party in our house for the first few weeks.

Then I found out I was already 2+ months pregnant. What?! I had been walking around with my promise long before I knew God was even listening to me.

I could talk about the next few months forever. So many things happened and my heart went through so many emotions. I stopped being sick, found out we were having a boy then found out it was actually a girl- I'm telling you nothing about this story is normal. I would have to write a short story just to make it worth while.

Today we are 28 weeks and 5 days. Baby Harper moves and kicks and grows everyday. It's amazing to have a tangible reminder everyday that God is faithful. If I ever question that she kicks me extra hard and I can't help but smile and tear up.

So many women battle with infertility or loss when it comes to children. I count myself among the blessed to not have had to walk that road for as long as so many. I hope this post- and any that come after- will encourage you of this. If God did it for me He WILL do it for you. Sometimes the route is unconventional and His faithfulness is seen it the deepest pains of obedience but He IS faithful. He does care. And He, like a good father, WILL keep His promises.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for us to have a little one of our own. You were part of what held our heads up when things got tough.

Today (and most days) I'm praying for ladies, by name and unknown, who are still waiting for their promise.

If you'd like someone agreeing a praying for you daily feel free to send me an email. Sometimes it helps to have someone faithing it with you. I'd love to do that.

Today's message- God is faithful. Don't give up. Even if things seem ridiculously backwards- you are probably right where you need to be. Learn Him there and He will take you where He has promised.

If you'd like, email me at:
danielle.n.craig@gmail.com

A Few Days in the Wilderness

(Image credit: By Nikola Bjelajac found forumartcentre.com)

Silence is such an interesting thing. It's described as golden, deafening, telling, wise, rude... One word, one action, so many different perceptions.

Normally, when blogging, silence is the worst decision ever. Especially when you are trying to get the word out about your thoughts and ideas...
But in these 7 months of silence I processed my world in such a different way. I allowed my silence (and subsequently your silence) to challenge me to invest in my emotions without validation, correction, or security that is found in a public platform.

Basically, I learned how to dive into feelings, feel them, and find growth and ultimately God in all (or at least most) of them. The topic of emotions is very interesting among circles I find myself in. They are either dangerous and should be pushed past or they are to be our guiding force- our compass if you will. Here is my analysis after some much needed time in my wilderness of silence. Emotions are powerful! They can overtake you and cause you to make permanent decisions based off of a temporary situation or the can be used as highlighters in life: meant to be used to highlight an area that needs some attention and figure out the purpose behind that particular joy, pain, or any strange emotion in between.

Thinking about the analogy of the wilderness is pretty funny to me. Ideally I'd like to compare these past few months to Jesus' wilderness experience (and maybe in some instances it is comparable) but really, truly, I think I more relate to the wilderness of Moses' journey. Seriously, he talked with God, was leading God's people, witnessed INSANE supernatural wonders- and the dude struggled a lot. He was afraid to speak, he battled anger with God (see striking rock scene), he even held onto one of the most hopeful promises for God's people-the promise land- and didn't even get to walk in. Thinking realistically he probably was a little overwhelmed by the weight of his responsibility vs. the weight of his own humanity. The man killed a guy, left a palace, decided to live in a desert, finally settled down, and then God told him to pack up and go and face everything he left to save a people he barely knew and turn his back on the people that in his heart felt like family. SO. MANY. FEELS.
God was using him all while refining him and healing him. That's an interesting paradox.

That's where I felt like I've been- out in front leading but God dealing with some major things inside. Insecurity is a real thing, folks. I have a list of dis-qualifiers. They are legitimate and loud and accompanied by many voices in my head of people I love and respect who have, intentionally or unintentionally, given life to these insecurities. Grief is the heaviest real thing I've walked through. Losing people through death or other circumstance is tough on the heart. In a year we lost Moriah, we lost our 3 foster children in what I can only describe as the most confusing and heartbreaking experience I've ever witnessed, and we left a city full of people we love. Joy is the most freeing thing I've ever known. I don't think you can fully appreciate joy until you walk through a season of great sorrow. On my birthday this year we found out that what we thought was a sweet baby boy is actually a sweet little princess (also I'm pregnant... more on that story later). That was the day I felt the heaviness lift off my heart. See, I said bye to Moriah on my birthday last year. I didn't think there was a single possible way that that day could be redeemed, or that God could/would bring joy back to my life after such a loss... and then they said it's a girl. And I knew that God smiled on me and my heart and He was going to allow me to love a little girl and she would be precious to my heart just like Mo. That moment I laughed my first gut laugh in a long time. The staff thought I was crazy, but that was the first tangible hug from God I had felt in a while. Confusion is a real thing too, and we all find ourselves in that paradox at some (or multiple) points in our life. For me it was staring at the brink of answered promises and God saying "Great, now hand them back." You find how much faith you have (or don't have) in those moments. It's strange and obedience is tough in the confusing times. I can promise you it's worth it.

In all of these emotions, in the season of wilderness, God became real to me in those places. In insecurity HE became my security and continues to work on those broken and scared places in my heart. In grief HE became my comforter. He was fine being my punching bag and always responded with love sometimes through scripture and sometimes through the love and voices of those around me. In joy HE became my light. HE became faithfulness to me. When the world wasn't easy HE proved to be so. Then, in confusion HE became my answers, my solid ground, and my peace.

Here is what I think, emotions aren't scary. They aren't meant to be our guiding force but, if we let them, they can be the very thing we need to fully embrace in order to find that God is who He says He is and He is capable being God anywhere at all times. I'd like to think I'm fully out of my wilderness, but I'm quite sure I still have a few days left- although, I can see the oasis ahead. I've processed enough in silence now, though. I want to be faithful with what I've learned so I can enter my promise land, whatever that looks like.

If you are in your own wilderness, small or large, I'd like to pray for you specifically if you'd like. I know what these times, and these feelings, can do. Especially when you feel alone. Just know your not. Even if you don't say anything I'm still praying for you. Together we can walk out of our wilderness and enjoy life again.

If you'd like someone praying for you feel free to send me an email or comment if you'd like a community of prayers.

It's good to be back, guys!

If you'd like, email me at:
danielle.n.craig@gmail.com

The Foster Parent Chronicles: This is NOT for ME!

The moment of truth hit our home last Thursday evening.

I have been sharing with our friends and family for months about our process to become Foster Parents. With no faces to point out or any experience under MY belt I became an advocate for people-the church- to step up.

I was loud with MY cry to end the delusion that "this isn't for ME" or "it will hurt ME too much." It was so easy because I could imagine the challenges that come with a broken heart coming to a healing home- but there were no personal stories I could tell. There were no triumphs or victories under my belt.

I was David- before Goliath. Before the bear. Before the wins.

Today I can tell you, with hands lifted in surrender, this is not for ME.

A week into this my husband and I have battled emotional swings from THESE BABIES that could bring the toughest of men to their knees and tears that could soften the hardest of hearts with compassion.

Our two guys, for the sake of these posts we will call them "J-man" and "Q", came to us with a trash bag full of smelly clothes, and very broken hearts. THEY have seen and experienced more than any person, much less an innocent child, should ever have to experience. THEY came in empty and had no idea they could ask to be full.

This one week has made ME question MY decision. It's made ME wonder if this was the right thing, if it was for ME, if I was good enough and strong enough to handle this. After all, I'm a woman with a desperate cry to a God, who has always been good, that He would grant me a child, one from my body. How can I love THESE BOYS with a broken heart of MY own?

My answers have been painful, humbling, and demanded a level of selflessness that, in this moment, is more painful than I was ready to face. You see, none of these questions mattered to this God who has always been good. I'VE known Him as good. J-man and Q haven't. This good God, that has loved me so well, answered me with this- this is THEIR right thing, this was for THEM, I don't need to be good enough because He is good enough for THEM. If I can remember that then He will prove His goodness over and over to me- through them. Through walking THEM to healing MY broken heart can be healed.

This is not and has never been for ME. It's always been for THEM.

Tonight I'm tired, I'm craving for MY old life back. I'm wanting to give up. But in about an hour those 2 sweet little boys are going to walk through the door and my heart will once again feel a love like it's never known. One bigger than me that wants more good for them than ease for me.

I don't know why God loves me so much and why He is so good to me but I don't ever want to question that again because I'm watching Him be good to MY babies, THESE BOYS, and I've never seen goodness and love like that. I always want to see God so purely. What better way than through a child's broken heart being healed. THEY are enough for me to do this.

Forever THEY>ME.

Life, Love, and Bills. 5 Things that I've learned in 5(ish) Months

It would appear that I've been quiet, but I can assure you that inside my head I haven't been. In fact I've been chattier there than ever before. I thought I was doing you a favor by sparing you the rantings, musings, or random thoughts that would pop up- and maybe to some extent I was- but now I think you should know what I've learned. You can thank me later.

Sometimes things can get a little crazy. I used to like the analogy that life is like a roller coaster... full of twists, turns, reverses, and catapults. Now I don't think that adequately describes things. I haven't found a more appropriate analogy yet, though. I'll keep you posted- because I think you deserve something more clever, something with depth and majesty. Something that will bring joys to life and something that puts hurts to death.

I've learned and observed some things these past few months. Easily the most learning I've ever had to do in such a condensed amount of time. I've always been part of the school of thought that doesn't want to learn things the hard way. I'd rather learn from someone else's mistakes and do better (or at least try.) Hopefully you will join me in that classroom today- learn from me. It will make our Pastors lives easier and their counseling schedule more free. I'll probably even get some Thank- You notes if you do.

Here are the 5 things I've learned about Life, Love, and Bills.

1. Life will never look like what you expect.
That sounds obvious, right? Totally!! On paper.... Think about it, though. We lay out some incredible plans, typically with the best intentions, and it just goes to the toilet most of the time. It's not always negative. Sometimes it turns out better than anticipated. But sometimes.... OHHHH sometimes... it goes horribly wrong.
You know what...
That's okay.
Life is better when we aren't relying on our own abilities, ideas, or merits. At my best I'm not good enough. I think failures or set backs happen to remind us that God is infallible and in my fallible-ness (I know it's not a word. Just go with it) I NEED Him. My life goes beyond Him being cool, or a nice addition to my business card. He IS my business card. I can't do a single thing without Him. I'm working so hard at letting my set-backs push me to Him. I need them to mean something. He is the only one who can ensure they will.

2. Your life isn't meant to look like someone else's.
Again, totally obvious. Yet, if you are anything like me (and I'm betting you kind of are) you compare. Whether it's looks, talents, finances, things... Someone has it and you want it or you have it and realize you are a step ahead of someone else. I have a major issue with this one. My brain is on hyper drive 98% of the time (that's a conservative estimate) and I get so frustrated when I see people who have been at life and business and ministry significantly longer than me so far ahead of where I am. I see people my age financially secure, with their own house, babies, and taking trips to Disney and I think... What about me?! And then I look around and, in an effort to make me feel better, I assess the people who are not as stable and motivated as me.
That can't be where my sense of identity and affirmation comes from. I am made incredibly and wonderfully and it's okay that I am where I am. Not because I'm ahead of you or because I'm behind you but because I'm where I need to be. I'm pursuing my purpose. My life is a continual unfolding of Jesus' love story for me and God pursuit for my affection. If my life looked like yours or yours mine it would mean God didn't tailor make a journey that was just for me. I want Him to be personal to me- so I don't want to look like you. We should be cool with that.

3. Love really hurts...
Basically, love isn't a love story or a perfect family picture. Love, if done correctly, hurts. It stings, and it sacrifices. I've learned that sometimes love is biting my tongue, it's putting down the sword and healing the 'enemy', love is someone else's good at my expense.
Swallowing my pride and being willing to not fight for being right has always been a struggle for me. Especially when it comes to righteousness. But, what if righteousness is turning away wrath. What if righteousness is a hug and not a punch. What if righteousness is listening instead of correcting? If I've learned anything about the loving nature of God it's this- He doesn't have to demand to be right. He just is. So, His affection provokes my heart to change... not His anger. If that's how He changes me... I'm betting that's how we will change the world. That's a tough pill to swallow.

4. Love is awesome...
Do I sound a little bi-polar? Probably... But hear me out. Love, when done well moves your heart to a a place of such compassion that it unlocks that thing that we were created to do. My love for babies and children has moved my heart towards their moms and dads to help bring healing and wholeness to a family. My love for teenagers has pushed me to do things that hurt my heart after losing Moriah- and my heart grew with depths of love for teenagers in a way that I didn't know possible. It's a painful love- but it's moved it in ways that make life more meaningful. So... Love is awesome.

5. Bills are annoyingly teachable...
That is the biggest duh I have ever typed. I don't like owing people things. I don't like being in debt. And I sure don't like not having the money to pay things and feel constantly on the verge of losing things. But, God has used them in a crazy way. He has taught us His faithfulness, the truth of counting the cost, and the beauty that is His people. Sometimes people lie and don't follow through. But sometimes people are His hands. I don't know why God chooses to teach the way He does but bills make me go into the proverbial courtroom and remind Him of His promise and He always delivers. Typically a last minute ruling but His timing is worth waiting on. I hope I continue to learn to trust Him more and embrace the shaky ground. He reminds me He is steady enough to hold it all.

I still don't know the analogy that describes life. But whatever it is, God is at the center. He teaches through big things and small things. He loves us best and makes life worth it. He covers everything and His grace and mercy really is new every morning. I probably will never understand all of His majesty but I will continue to seek His heart. Because He passionately loves me and I am captivated by His grace.

I hope my lessons helped you. I know they've changed me- in more ways than I can number.

A Year that was Full

If I could pick one word to describe this year I would choose full. It was full of new adventures, lovely people, brave steps, and immense heartbreak. Honestly, I didn't realize a year could hold so many emotions, processes, and experiences. But this one did.

It started off with a bang with a move to our first "grown up" house. It was a sweet step and it held a lot of hope for us. With more space we could occupy we knew our family would grow. Almost a year later we are still filling our home and making it ours and we are still hoping for new additions to the family but this house has been perfect, even just for us. It's held some incredible memories and sheltered us when life threw some tough blows. I had no idea how important this home would be to me until now. I'm so thankful for this refuge known as the Craig House.

We also welcomed our little nephew, Jett Anthony. That little man has been a light in our life this year. He is so full of joy and has a smile that could knock you dead. Waiting on him new years eve made for some special memories. And then God smiled on our year and sent him on Jan 1st. What a sweet gift. I knew then that this year was going to be special.

Midway through the year life handed us a goody basket of awesomeness. In a months time we were ordained, offered a position as youth pastors for our conference, and embarked on a journey of opening a women's center here in our home town all while our home youth group began to flourish and grow. For a minute we just stopped and looked around and all we could say was "Whoa. Thank you God." I've never seen so many fulfilled promises happen all at once yet we were standing right in the middle of all of it. Even today I'm still humbled- although now I realize the weight of what God entrusted us with.

This last part of the year has really taken my heart on a roller coaster, though. I've had moments, and in all sincerity still have these moments, of questioning. Questioning faith, God, myself, life. Loss, in my opinion, has a way of handing you a bitter bowl of reflection. You could even say it's the thing that will put you face to face with who you are and what you believe and will demand an answer. When Moriah passed away I felt as if all of the breath left my body. The excitement I had a couple of months before immediately diminished and devastation set in. This one event has consumed these last few months. Although great things have been happening I have had to allow time to process, be angry, cry, and- as weird as this is- laugh. All of those things were attached to her.

I'm still broken, I can't lie about that. I still cry everyday, maybe not as long but tears still come. But man, how blessed am I to be surrounded by an amazing support system. I wish you had the people around you that I do. My life is so rich and filled with people who are willing to hold my hand, listen to my  rantings, and kick me in the butt when I need to get over myself. That's some quality friendship, folks.

2014 has been full. Sitting here today with only a few days left of this year I can confidently say that I lived in this year fully. I occupied it, used it, and I'm thankful to see the end.

2015 is sure to be fun. We are starting off big and attending our first Foster Parent class in January. Then we head off to youth conferences, and youth events.We celebrate 2 years of marriage, and the best two years of my life. We will be working extra hard to get The Cinderella House open.
Most of all we are going to keep moving. I don't know what unexpected things 2015 is going to bring, I don't know what joys and what hurts are ahead of us. But I'm ready to move forward and start something new.

Thank you readers for being a part of this year and all of it's transitions with us. Your emails, messages, comments, and even just the fact that you have been faithful to reading has been amazing and humbling. I pray this year is full of life, love and hope for you and your family!

Merry Christmas guys! And a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY New Year!