The moment of truth hit our home last Thursday evening.
I have been sharing with our friends and family for months about our process to become Foster Parents. With no faces to point out or any experience under MY belt I became an advocate for people-the church- to step up.
I was loud with MY cry to end the delusion that "this isn't for ME" or "it will hurt ME too much." It was so easy because I could imagine the challenges that come with a broken heart coming to a healing home- but there were no personal stories I could tell. There were no triumphs or victories under my belt.
I was David- before Goliath. Before the bear. Before the wins.
Today I can tell you, with hands lifted in surrender, this is not for ME.
A week into this my husband and I have battled emotional swings from THESE BABIES that could bring the toughest of men to their knees and tears that could soften the hardest of hearts with compassion.
Our two guys, for the sake of these posts we will call them "J-man" and "Q", came to us with a trash bag full of smelly clothes, and very broken hearts. THEY have seen and experienced more than any person, much less an innocent child, should ever have to experience. THEY came in empty and had no idea they could ask to be full.
This one week has made ME question MY decision. It's made ME wonder if this was the right thing, if it was for ME, if I was good enough and strong enough to handle this. After all, I'm a woman with a desperate cry to a God, who has always been good, that He would grant me a child, one from my body. How can I love THESE BOYS with a broken heart of MY own?
My answers have been painful, humbling, and demanded a level of selflessness that, in this moment, is more painful than I was ready to face. You see, none of these questions mattered to this God who has always been good. I'VE known Him as good. J-man and Q haven't. This good God, that has loved me so well, answered me with this- this is THEIR right thing, this was for THEM, I don't need to be good enough because He is good enough for THEM. If I can remember that then He will prove His goodness over and over to me- through them. Through walking THEM to healing MY broken heart can be healed.
This is not and has never been for ME. It's always been for THEM.
Tonight I'm tired, I'm craving for MY old life back. I'm wanting to give up. But in about an hour those 2 sweet little boys are going to walk through the door and my heart will once again feel a love like it's never known. One bigger than me that wants more good for them than ease for me.
I don't know why God loves me so much and why He is so good to me but I don't ever want to question that again because I'm watching Him be good to MY babies, THESE BOYS, and I've never seen goodness and love like that. I always want to see God so purely. What better way than through a child's broken heart being healed. THEY are enough for me to do this.
Forever THEY>ME.