Dearest Miracle,
It almost seems silly to write to you now when it will be years (maybe decades) before you will ever fully understand the weight of the words flowing from my heart to yours. I hope when you read this that you will have years of long hugs, slobbery kisses, and tangible love to look back on and all of those memories will flood your mind and bring to life with such vividness the depth of my love for you- and that these words embrace each memory and make them that much richer.
It's hard to believe that for 40 weeks it was just you and me. We learned so much about each other simply through feeling the feelings only a mother and her baby could share. You learned of my fear and you patiently fluttered in my belly to reassure me that God only gives good gifts and you would be the best. With each slight movement, each not so gentle reminder that came through sickness, you reminded me that fear was a lie and love really is the truth. My darling, you were love to me. The type of love that conquers fears without a single word- just existence. I learned of you the depth of your persistence. In spite of the stresses of my world you were determined to stay constant and keep growing, You never gave into the weight the world tried to put on us. Your strength made me stronger. You felt me let go of my control and surrender to the unknown journey of motherhood. I felt grace through you because of your patience. You are so small and teach me so much. You are remarkable.
I can't deny that I'm looking forward to the moment I meet you but a silent sadness is attached. I've been so fortunate to have you to myself. Sure, I shared my belly with your Daddy and he so sweetly talks to you and sings for you, but you have been all mine. We have shared food, shared stories, shared quiet moments where I had to work out my own process of letting go of life before you and embracing something that is so hard to understand- motherhood. For 40 weeks we've been each others and the day you are born you meet a world that loves you and I begin my process of learning to let go. Learning to share you. I'm thankful because it will be slow at first. But I will feel it. My prayer is that it won't be so obvious to you (though with the amount of love that's waiting for you I doubt it will even hit you.) Oh how I want you to feel loved. But, my dear, me loving you means trusting that your life is forever moving forward and I have to trust God with that. I had no idea that lesson would start so early. I think I may miss you already.
I can't help but think of how you have already brought healing to places of my heart. Places that I thought didn't have the option to be healed are being healed simply because you exist. You, daughter, are a healer. Because of you the only person in my world with the title Momma will be me to you. I didn't realize how precious it was that I saved that name, that I guarded that title, after my momma passed. It's so humbling that I get to decide what Momma looks like now... and you, sweet girl, get to help me. That's a more precious endeavor than anything I could have imagined before you.
Before you death was loud in my world. I felt overwhelmed with loss and was beginning to lose hope in what living actually looked like. You are vibrantly reminding me that not only is death a part of life, life is a part of life too. You, little one, have caused mountains of grief to crumble with one little kick. How mighty you are!
You've taught me that loving you isn't effort. It's instinct, primal- it's natural. You needed the best of me and without hesitation my body gave it to you. I was created to love you- past emotion, past cognition, past myself. Everything about me was created to give you all the good I have at the expense of everything I need.
That's a love only you could have shown me.
My daughter, you are the most beautiful painting of God's faithfulness, unbridled hope, and unconditional love. For my whole life I will stand amazed at the masterpiece of you, Harper Riah Craig. You're something I will never in a million years deserve but for infinity will love. Being your mommy my be the most confusing grace I will have ever experienced.
Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you! You are so loved.
Forever yours,
Mommy