Today I find myself opposite of where I thought I would be.
I’m writing about the opposite of what I have been planning on writing on this day.
And I feel different about that fact than I thought I would.
Four years ago today I had an experience that changed my life. At the time I was with another guy who I intended to marry. And I was pregnant. We were driving into Pensacola with his family for the day. Those were normally pretty fun trips.
There was something SO different happening to me, though. See, no one knew I was pregnant and I couldn’t just tell them how I was feeling. But I felt miserable.
Without going into a lot of details, I miscarried that day. In a public restroom. And I couldn’t tell anyone.
For several months I carried the pain of knowing what I had lost… And the isolation I felt because no one could comfort me.
It was hard- and when people finally found out their words made it harder.
I’ve never had the intention of telling that story publically. It’s not something that is pleasant to talk about… or hear about for that matter.
But in order for me to explain where I’m at you had to know where I came from to get here.
I’ve been married now for a year. BEST YEAR EVER! God has done some tremendous things in and for us. That being said, I was believing him for something specific. For about 6 months my husband and I have had the hopes of announcing a new baby on the way.
I believed in February we would be making that announcement.
I had a blog in mind specifically for announcing how God makes everything beautiful just in time. How He turned my place of sorrow and hurt into a place of rejoicing.
This month has been slightly different than I expected it to be. At the beginning of the month I held my friends hand as her body miscarried her baby. I was humbled at the grace that she was given to walk through it. She has been so strong through her process. I truly look up to her.
Then, a week ago today (after already realizing I wasn’t pregnant), my husband and I went to a follow up appointment of mine to look at an ultra sound I had done several months ago.
The news was quite disappointing. Without going into a lot of detail they told me there was a chance that it could be difficult for Cyler and I to conceive. Because of what’s going in my body things aren't functioning the way there are supposed to.
I broke.
I didn’t want to have to walk through that battle. It sounds selfish (and honestly it is) but I’ve seen the emotional roller coaster it can be and I was angry that I was being buckled in to that ride.
I feel very different today. I gave myself a few days to really think about everything… and honestly even though I’m on the other side of my promise of children- I still have that promise. Nothing a doctor says or my body does can change the fact that God promised babies. I’ve dreamt of them and been given words about them and I will meet them.
This month has made my faith stronger. It’s given me perspective. And it’s caused me to activate a level of faith and trust that I haven’t had to tap into for a while.
Before conceived my children are already making me a better person.
I can’t wait for the announcement. But until then, I’ll wait and pray and enjoy the process.
I know we have each been in places where we are looking at the opposite of what we are believing, hoping, and even fasting for. God still makes things beautiful- JUST IN TIME. And the beautiful thing about that is that he is making the process beautiful as well.
Learn about God in your wait. It will make your relationship so much richer when you finally get your promise.
A
nd that makes the wait worth it.
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