A Letter to My Daughter

Dearest Miracle,

It almost seems silly to write to you now when it will be years (maybe decades) before you will ever fully understand the weight of the words flowing from my heart to yours. I hope when you read this that you will have years of long hugs, slobbery kisses, and tangible love to look back on and all of those memories will flood your mind and bring to life with such vividness the depth of my love for you- and that these words embrace each memory and make them that much richer.

It's hard to believe that for 40 weeks it was just you and me. We learned so much about each other simply through feeling the feelings only a mother and her baby could share. You learned of my fear and you patiently fluttered in my belly to reassure me that God only gives good gifts and you would be the best. With each slight movement, each not so gentle reminder that came through sickness, you reminded me that fear was a lie and love really is the truth. My darling, you were love to me. The type of love that conquers fears without a single word- just existence. I learned of you the depth of your persistence. In spite of the stresses of my world you were determined to stay constant and keep growing, You never gave into the weight the world tried to put on us. Your strength made me stronger. You felt me let go of my control and surrender to the unknown journey of motherhood. I felt grace through you because of your patience. You are so small and teach me so much. You are remarkable.

I can't deny that I'm looking forward to the moment I meet you but a silent sadness is attached. I've been so fortunate to have you to myself. Sure, I shared my belly with your Daddy and he so sweetly talks to you and sings for you, but you have been all mine. We have shared food, shared stories, shared quiet moments where I had to work out my own process of letting go of life before you and embracing something that is so hard to understand- motherhood. For 40 weeks we've been each others and the day you are born you meet a world that loves you and I begin my process of learning to let go. Learning to share you. I'm thankful because it will be slow at first. But I will feel it. My prayer is that it won't be so obvious to you (though with the amount of love that's waiting for you I doubt it will even hit you.) Oh how I want you to feel loved. But, my dear, me loving you means trusting that your life is forever moving forward and I have to trust God with that. I had no idea that lesson would start so early. I think I may miss you already.

I can't help but think of how you have already brought healing to places of my heart. Places that I thought didn't have the option to be healed are being healed simply because you exist. You, daughter, are a healer. Because of you the only person in my world with the title Momma will be me to you. I didn't realize how precious it was that I saved that name, that I guarded that title, after my momma passed. It's so humbling that I get to decide what Momma looks like now... and you, sweet girl, get to help me. That's a more precious endeavor than anything I could have imagined before you.

Before you death was loud in my world. I felt overwhelmed with loss and was beginning to lose hope in what living actually looked like. You are vibrantly reminding me that not only is death a part of life, life is a part of life too. You, little one, have caused mountains of grief to crumble with one little kick. How mighty you are!

You've taught me that loving you isn't effort. It's instinct, primal- it's natural. You needed the best of me and without hesitation my body gave it to you. I was created to love you- past emotion, past cognition, past myself. Everything about me was created to give you all the good I have at the expense of everything I need.
That's a love only you could have shown me.

My daughter, you are the most beautiful painting of God's faithfulness, unbridled hope, and unconditional love. For my whole life I will stand amazed at the masterpiece of you, Harper Riah Craig. You're something I will never in a million years deserve but for infinity will love. Being your mommy my be the most confusing grace I will have ever experienced.

Your daddy and I can't wait to meet you! You are so loved.

Forever yours,
Mommy

Unpopular Isolation: My Journey to Discover Where I Stand

Refuge: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble

I hesitate to write this. I hesitate not because of fear of my thoughts but pre-felt heartbreak at what I assume will not be kind responses.  

  

But today I sat at the table with my husband and asked this question: 

        

What if I find that the culture of the Kingdom is different than both? Do I stay silent? Do I have a place to fit in?" 

  

I'm not sure if I've fully found where I stand but I know this journey isn't leading me down a very comfortable road. It's challenging me in real places of fear and my own wisdom and what I'm seeing is God doesn't think like me... and He doesn't want me to think like me. 

  

Before I move forward I hope you will hear me. I would never write something with the intent to condemn anyone, judge anyone, or cause more division. If there is anything I've learned from Jesus it's that we need less boundaries between us. We need less boundaries between us within the church and we need less boundaries between us and the world. We are set a part but we are to be accessible, slow to anger, quick to love. What I'm writing in these next few paragraphs isn't meant to harm it's meant to challenge. Challenge me. Challenge you.  

Challenge us to question our wisdom and evaluate our words. Determine where we really stand. 

Also know this. I'm willing to be challenged myself. I can only offer what I've read and maybe I am limited. Challenge me- kindly please. Offer your counters. But know this, I'm not interested in your opinions even though I respect them. If I'm to be a believer I need to know what God says even above you and your wisdom of things of this world that probably surpass my wisdom. I'm not afraid to be proven wrong- I am afraid of believing wrong. Lives are in the balance and how I believe and my ultimate response to those beliefs are directly related to those lives. 

  

Friday night a greater spotlight was shed on an issue that has been circulating our society since 9/11. War and fighting has been going on since then and we are seeing one of the greatest threats we have ever known (at least in my lifetime) grow in number and voice and seemingly strength. This past week my home has been full of dialogue. Being pregnant, and I'm sure parents all over can relate, fear gripped me. Even guilt gripped me. I don't want our daughter growing up in scary times. I don't want danger near her. I want to know how we are going to protect her. How am I going to keep her, my husband, and our family safe? This was a real question for me. I didn't know how to answer it. I looked at the devastation that occurred in Paris and felt helpless- what if that happens here? 

  

I looked at my husband and wanted him to answer me. Tell me he knew the answers. He didn't. As I struggled with these thought's throughout the next few days he and I began reading articles and seeing new stories being circulated. Honestly, we already knew things were not good overseas, I even wrote about it a while back. We have friends whose churches were aiding the refugee crisis. But all of the sudden these things were being questioned. Should we as Americans help? How much help? 

  

I couldn't answer.  

  

All of the sudden the welfare of these faceless and nameless people, people who don't look, think, believe, or even speak like me, seemed a little too intrusive to my comfort. This is America- land of the free and my freedom felt like it was in jeopardy because what if someone masquerading as a victim is really the villain. That's not a risk I want to take. 

  

I wanted to leave my thoughts there. They aren't my responsibility. They aren't my brothers, my sisters, my nieces or nephews. They aren't my friends. But I couldn't shake this lingering thought that I was missing something. Something wasn't right about what I was accepting. 

  

Then a friend of mine posted an article from Relevant Magazine. It was very simple and included 12 verses that discussed what scripture says about foreigners and those seeking refuge.  

These words hit me: 

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise." (Luke 10:36-37) 

I'm right, they aren't my friends or my brothers or sisters. The question was never who they were to me. It was always about who I am to the world. I am THEIR neighbor.  

  

Reading these 12 scriptures (and mind you I realize that it's only 12 but I haven't read 1 that contradicts them or discredits them- I've seen no exceptions) made me realize that I have it all wrong. I'm looking at these people like they have to be something, believe something, or do something that merits them my aid or my service. Christ's mandate to the church was never that the world earn anything- it was that the world could never earn grace or mercy but that we should give it anyway. 

  

Everything about walking out our lives as believers trumps what it means to walk out our lives as Americans. I am proud to be an American but in the most patriotic way I am more of a citizen of the Kingdom of God than of the U.S. Neither negates the other but one DEFINITELY trumps the other. 

  

I find that we believers pray that God would once again reign as the center of our nation- that our values would once again be based off of the principals of the Bible. Are we sure? Because a lot of what I read challenges our American ideals. It requires selflessness. It demands we put down decisions out of fear and do what scripture illustrates- even at the expense of ourselves. Biblical values are not easy and the require a lot of sacrifice and very little (if any) room for selfishness or self preservation. Jesus was all about our good at His expense and then said you do what I do. 

  

I don't want to assume the position of a political person. I'm far from it. But I do want to be a good picture of who Jesus is to a world who DESPERATELY needs Him. I have to believe that if God said to embrace the foreigner and do good to them that it's because the benefits there are eternal for both parties and the consequences of not are equally eternal for both parties.  

  

I'd rather be found obedient and trust that God would honor me there then be found safe and look as if I'm ashamed of the Gospel that really is good news for ALL people- Jew and Gentile, slave or free.  

  

These ideas are hard and I never wanted to be the person to present them. To be the presenter of ideas that challenge two different cultures is scary- but to be quiet is cowardliness. I will be no coward. 

  

I don't know the remedy here, friends. I don't know the solutions. But I know that citizenship of country and citizenship of kingdom can no longer be separate. Our ideals and beliefs have to come from scripture. Only then are we truly looking out for the best interest of our families and our nation and ultimately the world. It was never easy being a follower of Jesus but the benefits were never meant to be here on earth anyway.  

I pray the church really does rise up. That we truly become the voice of Jesus and a loving God to a world who feels He is so opposite. I pray that kingdom culture be the thing that turns the hearts of generations back to the Father. And I pray that starts with us- putting down our swords and fear filled words and embracing faith and love and the nature of the one who saved us and set the example. 

  

The solution is in there- in being true disciples. Not just the solution for us but the solution for humanity. That solution really is Jesus anyway, right? So that makes sense. 

I'll leave you with this...

When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. (Leviticus 19:33-34)

I'm SO Pregnant... By the Way

You know how you can walk around the house and know you need to tell someone something but you just can't seem to think of what it is...

You'd think I'd have remembered to mention this...

SURPRISE! We are pregnant!

29 weeks to be exact.  (Insert guilty grin here)

If you've followed my blog even a little bit, have known us for any length of time, you know that we were in a very interesting battle of infertility. We didn't know if/when/how we would get pregnant or become parents. It was a desire of our hearts separately as friends and then together as a couple to be parents- not just to our own biological children but to be adoptive and foster parents somewhere a long in our journey.

Ideally we would have had 2 kids of our own, let them grow up some, and then begin the foster/adoptive parts of our lives. That's not exactly what happened.

What a lot of people don't know is that when God called us to move more towards full time ministry (still haven't made it there yet) and I quit my corporate job we had to sacrifice a lot of things behind closed doors. It wasn't just the comfort of being able to pay bills and then have excess for fun things, it was also some very painful sacrifices. Counting the cost became very real to us in the time. See, we were in the process of getting evaluated to see how in depth this infertility battle really was and we were a few months out from starting some level of fertility treatment. When God said step out- He also said let go. Let go of anything we were capable of doing to get pregnant. Let go of any hope of a say so in when a baby would enter our family- and say God we trust you with my (what seems to be) broken body.

I was heartbroken.

But I knew I would be no good as a mother if I couldn't surrender everything to God then. So in tears and confusion I resigned my job and good things followed.

Then the day came when another negative pregnancy test happened. I almost wasn't sad anymore- just annoyed and angry. A few days later, with a resounding clarity, I knew it was time to talk to Cyler about starting our fostering journey. If there is a stronger word than "pissed off" that's how I felt with God. Of course I wanted to love and be a part of the healing process for innocent little ones- but I wanted to love MY babies first! Why would God call me, a woman who was struggling to conceive, to love babies from a woman/women that seemed to be able to have babies with no issues. Again, we had to count the cost. This one almost felt too expensive.

So, we started our P.R.I.D.E classes. The more we heard about these faceless children the more we wept for them. Slowly I began to surrender the need to have my own children. I just wanted to love and somehow was falling in love with kids I didn't even know yet. As the conflict in my heart settled, hope seemed to creep it's way back in.

Then the kids came. Whoa. That was crazy. Our two boys and eventually little baby girl made my heart grow and ache in ways I didn't know exist. I was a mom. They were my babies. I would have (and still would) give the world for those little ones. They brought reality to my desire to be a mom- the realities of joy and the realities of the difficulties that come with that title. Never in my life could I have imagined the things 3 littles under 7 could teach me.

A few weeks before they left us I started to feel really sick. I thought I was sick because of stress and knowing that they would be leaving us and I couldn't do anything about it. Those were some hard days. I didn't want to eat and I constantly felt like I could cry and throw up.
We went to eat with our Pastors one night and they could see the stress on both of our faces. At one point they asked if I had taken a pregnancy test- to which I replied (very snippy if I'm honest) "NO! Why would I?! It's always negative!" Very sweetly they looked at me and said promise us you will take one tomorrow just to be sure. I couldn't be frustrated with them, they knew the battle of infertility all to well.
So... I took the test.

That positive line showed up so fast I hyperventilated. I called my best friend Chelsea and was shouting "There is TWO LINES!! TWO LINES!" She didn't even know I was taking a test so she was really confused and then it hit her. She cried and squealed. Then suddenly stopped and said "Are you crying because you are happy? Or??" To which I replied "I DON'T KNOW!!"
HA!

I was suddenly staring at something I hadn't seen- a positive test. It was amazing. Scary. And so surprising.
I was so happy. I was so bummed (because I knew this stomach bug had no remedy lol). I was so nervous- our life was in a whirlwind and this wasn't what I pictured our life looking like when we found out we were pregnant.

The next few weeks were CUH-RAZY! The boys left, the baby stayed, we had to run a youth summer camp, I was puking... really it was a party in our house for the first few weeks.

Then I found out I was already 2+ months pregnant. What?! I had been walking around with my promise long before I knew God was even listening to me.

I could talk about the next few months forever. So many things happened and my heart went through so many emotions. I stopped being sick, found out we were having a boy then found out it was actually a girl- I'm telling you nothing about this story is normal. I would have to write a short story just to make it worth while.

Today we are 28 weeks and 5 days. Baby Harper moves and kicks and grows everyday. It's amazing to have a tangible reminder everyday that God is faithful. If I ever question that she kicks me extra hard and I can't help but smile and tear up.

So many women battle with infertility or loss when it comes to children. I count myself among the blessed to not have had to walk that road for as long as so many. I hope this post- and any that come after- will encourage you of this. If God did it for me He WILL do it for you. Sometimes the route is unconventional and His faithfulness is seen it the deepest pains of obedience but He IS faithful. He does care. And He, like a good father, WILL keep His promises.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for us to have a little one of our own. You were part of what held our heads up when things got tough.

Today (and most days) I'm praying for ladies, by name and unknown, who are still waiting for their promise.

If you'd like someone agreeing a praying for you daily feel free to send me an email. Sometimes it helps to have someone faithing it with you. I'd love to do that.

Today's message- God is faithful. Don't give up. Even if things seem ridiculously backwards- you are probably right where you need to be. Learn Him there and He will take you where He has promised.

If you'd like, email me at:
danielle.n.craig@gmail.com