You know how you can walk around the house and know you need to tell someone something but you just can't seem to think of what it is...
You'd think I'd have remembered to mention this...
SURPRISE! We are pregnant!
29 weeks to be exact. (Insert guilty grin here)
If you've followed my blog even a little bit, have known us for any length of time, you know that we were in a very interesting battle of infertility. We didn't know if/when/how we would get pregnant or become parents. It was a desire of our hearts separately as friends and then together as a couple to be parents- not just to our own biological children but to be adoptive and foster parents somewhere a long in our journey.
Ideally we would have had 2 kids of our own, let them grow up some, and then begin the foster/adoptive parts of our lives. That's not exactly what happened.
What a lot of people don't know is that when God called us to move more towards full time ministry (still haven't made it there yet) and I quit my corporate job we had to sacrifice a lot of things behind closed doors. It wasn't just the comfort of being able to pay bills and then have excess for fun things, it was also some very painful sacrifices. Counting the cost became very real to us in the time. See, we were in the process of getting evaluated to see how in depth this infertility battle really was and we were a few months out from starting some level of fertility treatment. When God said step out- He also said let go. Let go of anything we were capable of doing to get pregnant. Let go of any hope of a say so in when a baby would enter our family- and say God we trust you with my (what seems to be) broken body.
I was heartbroken.
But I knew I would be no good as a mother if I couldn't surrender everything to God then. So in tears and confusion I resigned my job and good things followed.
Then the day came when another negative pregnancy test happened. I almost wasn't sad anymore- just annoyed and angry. A few days later, with a resounding clarity, I knew it was time to talk to Cyler about starting our fostering journey. If there is a stronger word than "pissed off" that's how I felt with God. Of course I wanted to love and be a part of the healing process for innocent little ones- but I wanted to love MY babies first! Why would God call me, a woman who was struggling to conceive, to love babies from a woman/women that seemed to be able to have babies with no issues. Again, we had to count the cost. This one almost felt too expensive.
So, we started our P.R.I.D.E classes. The more we heard about these faceless children the more we wept for them. Slowly I began to surrender the need to have my own children. I just wanted to love and somehow was falling in love with kids I didn't even know yet. As the conflict in my heart settled, hope seemed to creep it's way back in.
Then the kids came. Whoa. That was crazy. Our two boys and eventually little baby girl made my heart grow and ache in ways I didn't know exist. I was a mom. They were my babies. I would have (and still would) give the world for those little ones. They brought reality to my desire to be a mom- the realities of joy and the realities of the difficulties that come with that title. Never in my life could I have imagined the things 3 littles under 7 could teach me.
A few weeks before they left us I started to feel really sick. I thought I was sick because of stress and knowing that they would be leaving us and I couldn't do anything about it. Those were some hard days. I didn't want to eat and I constantly felt like I could cry and throw up.
We went to eat with our Pastors one night and they could see the stress on both of our faces. At one point they asked if I had taken a pregnancy test- to which I replied (very snippy if I'm honest) "NO! Why would I?! It's always negative!" Very sweetly they looked at me and said promise us you will take one tomorrow just to be sure. I couldn't be frustrated with them, they knew the battle of infertility all to well.
So... I took the test.
That positive line showed up so fast I hyperventilated. I called my best friend Chelsea and was shouting "There is TWO LINES!! TWO LINES!" She didn't even know I was taking a test so she was really confused and then it hit her. She cried and squealed. Then suddenly stopped and said "Are you crying because you are happy? Or??" To which I replied "I DON'T KNOW!!"
HA!
I was suddenly staring at something I hadn't seen- a positive test. It was amazing. Scary. And so surprising.
I was so happy. I was so bummed (because I knew this stomach bug had no remedy lol). I was so nervous- our life was in a whirlwind and this wasn't what I pictured our life looking like when we found out we were pregnant.
The next few weeks were CUH-RAZY! The boys left, the baby stayed, we had to run a youth summer camp, I was puking... really it was a party in our house for the first few weeks.
Then I found out I was already 2+ months pregnant. What?! I had been walking around with my promise long before I knew God was even listening to me.
I could talk about the next few months forever. So many things happened and my heart went through so many emotions. I stopped being sick, found out we were having a boy then found out it was actually a girl- I'm telling you nothing about this story is normal. I would have to write a short story just to make it worth while.
Today we are 28 weeks and 5 days. Baby Harper moves and kicks and grows everyday. It's amazing to have a tangible reminder everyday that God is faithful. If I ever question that she kicks me extra hard and I can't help but smile and tear up.
So many women battle with infertility or loss when it comes to children. I count myself among the blessed to not have had to walk that road for as long as so many. I hope this post- and any that come after- will encourage you of this. If God did it for me He WILL do it for you. Sometimes the route is unconventional and His faithfulness is seen it the deepest pains of obedience but He IS faithful. He does care. And He, like a good father, WILL keep His promises.
Thanks to everyone who prayed for us to have a little one of our own. You were part of what held our heads up when things got tough.
Today (and most days) I'm praying for ladies, by name and unknown, who are still waiting for their promise.
If you'd like someone agreeing a praying for you daily feel free to send me an email. Sometimes it helps to have someone faithing it with you. I'd love to do that.
Today's message- God is faithful. Don't give up. Even if things seem ridiculously backwards- you are probably right where you need to be. Learn Him there and He will take you where He has promised.
If you'd like, email me at:
danielle.n.craig@gmail.com
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