(Image credit: By Nikola Bjelajac found forumartcentre.com)
Silence is such an interesting thing. It's described as golden, deafening, telling, wise, rude... One word, one action, so many different perceptions.
Normally, when blogging, silence is the worst decision ever. Especially when you are trying to get the word out about your thoughts and ideas...
But in these 7 months of silence I processed my world in such a different way. I allowed my silence (and subsequently your silence) to challenge me to invest in my emotions without validation, correction, or security that is found in a public platform.
Basically, I learned how to dive into feelings, feel them, and find growth and ultimately God in all (or at least most) of them. The topic of emotions is very interesting among circles I find myself in. They are either dangerous and should be pushed past or they are to be our guiding force- our compass if you will. Here is my analysis after some much needed time in my wilderness of silence. Emotions are powerful! They can overtake you and cause you to make permanent decisions based off of a temporary situation or the can be used as highlighters in life: meant to be used to highlight an area that needs some attention and figure out the purpose behind that particular joy, pain, or any strange emotion in between.
Thinking about the analogy of the wilderness is pretty funny to me. Ideally I'd like to compare these past few months to Jesus' wilderness experience (and maybe in some instances it is comparable) but really, truly, I think I more relate to the wilderness of Moses' journey. Seriously, he talked with God, was leading God's people, witnessed INSANE supernatural wonders- and the dude struggled a lot. He was afraid to speak, he battled anger with God (see striking rock scene), he even held onto one of the most hopeful promises for God's people-the promise land- and didn't even get to walk in. Thinking realistically he probably was a little overwhelmed by the weight of his responsibility vs. the weight of his own humanity. The man killed a guy, left a palace, decided to live in a desert, finally settled down, and then God told him to pack up and go and face everything he left to save a people he barely knew and turn his back on the people that in his heart felt like family. SO. MANY. FEELS.
God was using him all while refining him and healing him. That's an interesting paradox.
That's where I felt like I've been- out in front leading but God dealing with some major things inside. Insecurity is a real thing, folks. I have a list of dis-qualifiers. They are legitimate and loud and accompanied by many voices in my head of people I love and respect who have, intentionally or unintentionally, given life to these insecurities. Grief is the heaviest real thing I've walked through. Losing people through death or other circumstance is tough on the heart. In a year we lost Moriah, we lost our 3 foster children in what I can only describe as the most confusing and heartbreaking experience I've ever witnessed, and we left a city full of people we love. Joy is the most freeing thing I've ever known. I don't think you can fully appreciate joy until you walk through a season of great sorrow. On my birthday this year we found out that what we thought was a sweet baby boy is actually a sweet little princess (also I'm pregnant... more on that story later). That was the day I felt the heaviness lift off my heart. See, I said bye to Moriah on my birthday last year. I didn't think there was a single possible way that that day could be redeemed, or that God could/would bring joy back to my life after such a loss... and then they said it's a girl. And I knew that God smiled on me and my heart and He was going to allow me to love a little girl and she would be precious to my heart just like Mo. That moment I laughed my first gut laugh in a long time. The staff thought I was crazy, but that was the first tangible hug from God I had felt in a while. Confusion is a real thing too, and we all find ourselves in that paradox at some (or multiple) points in our life. For me it was staring at the brink of answered promises and God saying "Great, now hand them back." You find how much faith you have (or don't have) in those moments. It's strange and obedience is tough in the confusing times. I can promise you it's worth it.
In all of these emotions, in the season of wilderness, God became real to me in those places. In insecurity HE became my security and continues to work on those broken and scared places in my heart. In grief HE became my comforter. He was fine being my punching bag and always responded with love sometimes through scripture and sometimes through the love and voices of those around me. In joy HE became my light. HE became faithfulness to me. When the world wasn't easy HE proved to be so. Then, in confusion HE became my answers, my solid ground, and my peace.
Here is what I think, emotions aren't scary. They aren't meant to be our guiding force but, if we let them, they can be the very thing we need to fully embrace in order to find that God is who He says He is and He is capable being God anywhere at all times. I'd like to think I'm fully out of my wilderness, but I'm quite sure I still have a few days left- although, I can see the oasis ahead. I've processed enough in silence now, though. I want to be faithful with what I've learned so I can enter my promise land, whatever that looks like.
If you are in your own wilderness, small or large, I'd like to pray for you specifically if you'd like. I know what these times, and these feelings, can do. Especially when you feel alone. Just know your not. Even if you don't say anything I'm still praying for you. Together we can walk out of our wilderness and enjoy life again.
If you'd like someone praying for you feel free to send me an email or comment if you'd like a community of prayers.
It's good to be back, guys!
If you'd like, email me at:
danielle.n.craig@gmail.com
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