A Year that was Full

If I could pick one word to describe this year I would choose full. It was full of new adventures, lovely people, brave steps, and immense heartbreak. Honestly, I didn't realize a year could hold so many emotions, processes, and experiences. But this one did.

It started off with a bang with a move to our first "grown up" house. It was a sweet step and it held a lot of hope for us. With more space we could occupy we knew our family would grow. Almost a year later we are still filling our home and making it ours and we are still hoping for new additions to the family but this house has been perfect, even just for us. It's held some incredible memories and sheltered us when life threw some tough blows. I had no idea how important this home would be to me until now. I'm so thankful for this refuge known as the Craig House.

We also welcomed our little nephew, Jett Anthony. That little man has been a light in our life this year. He is so full of joy and has a smile that could knock you dead. Waiting on him new years eve made for some special memories. And then God smiled on our year and sent him on Jan 1st. What a sweet gift. I knew then that this year was going to be special.

Midway through the year life handed us a goody basket of awesomeness. In a months time we were ordained, offered a position as youth pastors for our conference, and embarked on a journey of opening a women's center here in our home town all while our home youth group began to flourish and grow. For a minute we just stopped and looked around and all we could say was "Whoa. Thank you God." I've never seen so many fulfilled promises happen all at once yet we were standing right in the middle of all of it. Even today I'm still humbled- although now I realize the weight of what God entrusted us with.

This last part of the year has really taken my heart on a roller coaster, though. I've had moments, and in all sincerity still have these moments, of questioning. Questioning faith, God, myself, life. Loss, in my opinion, has a way of handing you a bitter bowl of reflection. You could even say it's the thing that will put you face to face with who you are and what you believe and will demand an answer. When Moriah passed away I felt as if all of the breath left my body. The excitement I had a couple of months before immediately diminished and devastation set in. This one event has consumed these last few months. Although great things have been happening I have had to allow time to process, be angry, cry, and- as weird as this is- laugh. All of those things were attached to her.

I'm still broken, I can't lie about that. I still cry everyday, maybe not as long but tears still come. But man, how blessed am I to be surrounded by an amazing support system. I wish you had the people around you that I do. My life is so rich and filled with people who are willing to hold my hand, listen to my  rantings, and kick me in the butt when I need to get over myself. That's some quality friendship, folks.

2014 has been full. Sitting here today with only a few days left of this year I can confidently say that I lived in this year fully. I occupied it, used it, and I'm thankful to see the end.

2015 is sure to be fun. We are starting off big and attending our first Foster Parent class in January. Then we head off to youth conferences, and youth events.We celebrate 2 years of marriage, and the best two years of my life. We will be working extra hard to get The Cinderella House open.
Most of all we are going to keep moving. I don't know what unexpected things 2015 is going to bring, I don't know what joys and what hurts are ahead of us. But I'm ready to move forward and start something new.

Thank you readers for being a part of this year and all of it's transitions with us. Your emails, messages, comments, and even just the fact that you have been faithful to reading has been amazing and humbling. I pray this year is full of life, love and hope for you and your family!

Merry Christmas guys! And a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY New Year!

1 Month and 12 Days of New Sentences

I've said a lot of new things the past 44 days. Each time I form one of these new sentences the wind escapes my lungs, my heart freezes, and my eyes fill up with tears. This has easily been the hardest 44 days I've ever experienced.

I've tried to look up tips on grieving- wondering what the pro's say about the process and a way to walk through this quickly and efficiently. I've asked for advice and even received some unsolicited suggestions by well-meaning, yet ill-informed, people.

I've come to the conclusion that this process is going to have to be walked out with me and Jesus (and my husband. He has been incredible... He has held my heart-and me- at times when everything gets too heavy. Not forgetting my pastors, as well, who have answered every text and prayed with me when I needed it.). Jesus is the one I find comfort in all while battling some swings of anger towards Him. That's not super spiritual but it's honest and fronting hasn't done me much good.

This 1 month and 12 days have brought mornings of tears and sleepless nights of wishing the nightmare would end. Coming to grips with the loss of Moriah, I'm concluding, is not a fast process. No matter how much I (and others) wish it would be. But that's okay. Not because grief and mourning is convenient, not because it's the easiest route, not even because it gives me an excuse to have pajama days filled with movies and not eating. It's okay because Moriah mattered to my life. She was one of the most important people in my world, and she isn't in it anymore. (There goes one of those new sentences again.)

This past weekend was my first weekend home since the funeral. It included some great quality time with my family, but mostly I just felt the incredible absence. This weekend made reality real. I couldn't paint a picture of her being with friends... she was gone. You could feel it everywhere. On the way home I stopped and visited where her body rests (I'm still not ready to call it by it's actual word yet...) and I just cried. This is my new real life. I've kept crying. I'm still crying.

My process, I think, is just starting. There isn't a lot of people who can relate to a tragic, sudden death of a 17 year old sibling. Especially not with the circumstances of family dynamics being the way they were when it happened. What I'm trying to say is most people don't get it. There is no manual on this. There is no talking me (or her family) through the death of their own loved one and comparing it to this. Their loss isn't insignificant by any means... It's just different. This loss is different. Every person in our family that I've talked to has acknowledged that, now I'm trying to figure out what to do with that. How to come to terms with everything that has happened.

I'm grateful for the people who have tried to help... Your kindness and words of encouragement have meant so much to me. I think what I'm saying is our family is still hurting, we still need prayers, and we still need patience in our process. And that is okay.

For myself, let me cry. Let me miss her. Don't make me feel like it needs to be rushed. My heart is still crushed and I'm working on letting it heal. I'm working on figuring out how to do that.

44 days of new sentences have passed. I'm sure there is more, more to this new reality that I haven't thought of yet. If you are one of the people that have been a part of the conversations that have gotten a little awkward, thanks for being cool about it. If you are one of the ones who find yourself watching me drift of into thought with tears in my eyes in the future, sorry in advance. The hurt is still fresh and, well,  I just miss her.

I Think the Stars Miss You With Me.

"... Would I tell you how my eyes haven't been as blue since i last saw you or that, really, the sky hasn't been the right shade either... actually the sun hasn't been bright and the stars lost their twinkle. I think they've missed you with me..." 

Danielle Craig

It's been a little over a week now, and honestly I've tried everything I could do to pretend that what I'm about to type isn't real life. But it is, and here we are, and she is worth writing about.

Sixteen years ago I was in the back seat of a car as we drove up to a Japanese restaurant somewhere near Houston, Tx. My life had already changed in every way and I was anxious to see the new people I was going to be growing up and sharing my life with in my new normal.

And there she was. One years old, beautiful brown hair, and captivating brown eyes. I knew she would be my favorite. That she would help heal my heart after the loss of my momma. Man, was I right.

It took her about three days to warm up to me. She wasn't sure about this new little girl living in her home but one day she decided I was in, I was okay... and she never left me alone again. Ha!

Her favorite thing was to follow me around the house and say "Inna hold you, Inna hold you!" Really she just wanted ME to hold her. So, my little eight year old self would tote her around from room to room. She was my baby-doll. Spoiled rotten, but definitely my favorite.

We grew up together, she and I. As time went on she started sleeping in my bed, taking over my TV, and never letting me have a moment to myself. Good grief could that child crawl under my skin, but goodness was she funny. She hated homework and typically it was my job to help her, she always wanted me to do it for her and when I wouldn't she would say she wasn't my friend anymore. That lasted up until I was heading to my room and she wanted to come watch Disney Channel or George of the Jungle (I will never know why she insisted on watching that movie on repeat). When it was bath or shower time she would make her way to my shower and hop right in- I had no say so apparently. She was cute, and if she wanted to be around you- buddy there was nothing you could do about it. Most nights she would sleep with me and never wanted to actually fall asleep. As weird as this is she would sometimes start digging in my belly button and when I would say ouch she would get real close to my ear and whisper "It's ackay, it's ackay, it's ackay." (it's okay). And then she would just laugh like it was the most hilarious thing ever.

As we got older and I moved out she was still the thing that I held most precious. I used to always tell her that whatever I had or wherever I was she always had full access to my life. If I could offer it then it was hers. She meant so much to me... I think she knew it.

As she got into her teen years she would talk to me about boys, culinary school, and looking forward to driving and graduating. She was what others would call a normal teenage girl. But not to those of us who were closest to her. She was beautiful and radiated a light so bright that it would captivate you. And if she loved you she loved you hard, she was loyal, and you couldn't shake her.

I don't know a pretty way to talk about how last Monday, September 29, 2014 the world, and my heart, lost one of the most magical lights it's ever known. My loudest hearts cry is that it's a dream or there could be a hidden rewind button on life. My head doesn't want to believe that Moriah Carrie Christy, that beautiful brown eyed beauty isn't going to be calling me when I'm on my way to Tallahassee because she is anxious for our arrival. Or isn't going to argue with me or laugh with me or be there for anymore big life events.

I miss her so much. Her whole family does. But I've learned something since the call that caused us to rush to the hospital to say goodbye to that babygirl...

Life is short, and not worth the effort it takes to hold offenses or drama. If you love someone let them know. Let the realization that you never know when your goodbye is going to come be the thing that causes you to say "Enough is enough." Let it cause you to let go of hurts and embrace the ones around you that you love. Move forward, never looking back.

Moriah said it beautifully, "Family is everything."

I'm thankful for her heart and the innocence that she had. She changed my whole life. I can't imagine ever not missing her but I'm confident I'll see her again.

Until then, I'm going to love hard. Let go of the junk, and embrace the beauty that came from a life that called out for love- whatever it cost.

If you didn't know Moriah, I'm sorry to hear. But her story isn't over and her life will still impact the world. Because those of us who held her close won't let her light go.

So, here's to a beautiful life. Moriah Carrie Christy, you were everything my heart needed. I'll love you always. See you soon.

I'm Tired of Changing the Channel

I'm guilty of it. You're guilty of it. We are all guilty of it.

What is it??

We are sitting on our couch watching a show and then it goes off. Maybe a commercial interrupts it, maybe a news broadcast interrupts it (during football season in my house growing up that could set off World War III... SO scary), or maybe it's just time for another show to air...

No matter what the interruption is panic ensues until we can find that daggum remote!

And oh the joy, NAY!! The utter euphoria that comes from flipping that station to something that better satisfies our entertainment pleasure.

The IT we are guilty of is changing the channel.

Obviously switching stations isn't a problem. We all pay our own cable bill (or Netflix for those of us on a budget) so why does it matter what I watch or when I decide I want to watch something else?

I have a theory. It is really changing the way I view my remote and more than that it has shown me that my remote has become a god- one that I rely on to make me feel better and live altered from reality.

Two weeks ago I began seeing a news article begin circulating on my newsfeed. It started with one post by one friend and then within three days I couldn't scroll very far down my newsfeed without seeing this article (or one related to it) every few inches. 

I SAW it- title and all. And you know what I did. I ignored it. 

I just kept scrolling. I even had the nerve to click on some useless link to look at "Epic Fails-Tattoo Addtion"

Do you know what the article was that I ignored? I'm SO ashamed to admit it. The title was:

"Leader: ISIS is 'Systematically Beheading Children' in 'Christian Genocide'"

Yea.

Right now one of two things is happening in your mind. One you are glaring at me and angry that a minister would be so inhumane as to not be informed of what is happening with her Christian brothers and sisters OR, two you are realizing you are in the same position as me.

I changed the channel to appease my entertainment. I didn't want to be sad. And if I didn't know I am not responsible.

The word that was screaming at me every time I ignored the link to that article was WRONG!! You ARE accountable.

I read that article. I've seen pictures (not that I searched but they are circulating as well).

If I'm my brothers keeper, as the Bible says, I'm responsible to do something.

I don't know what to do but pray. And even in that I'm not sure how to pray. 

But I know that this story matters. My family is being murdered. Little ones are dying.

I've watched just in the past month so much drama on Facebook alone. I've watched kids attack kids, adults attack kids, adults attacking adults. I've even seen it happen and these people try to put God in their corner. I've been guilty of doing the same.

I can't be quiet anymore, though. We are selfish- defending ourselves by hurting others to prove we are right and they are wrong.

All the while people are dying for serving the same Jesus that we take too lightly- the guy we use as our personal boxing gloves.

Maybe right now the best thing we can do is pray. But the second best thing we could do is stop our foolishness and our silly drama and realize the bigger picture- it's not about ME! Maybe the church can help by rising up and realize that God wasn't created for us but we were created for Him!

We have to stop changing the channel to something that makes us feel/look/sound better. We have to put our stations on Jesus and crush our remotes. 

Together we can unite and pray for those being persecuted and serve Jesus in a way that doesn't make their deaths in vain.

I'm still at a loss for a better way to help those who are in desperate need. But until God sends something my way to do I'm just going to shout His goodness and realize I'm nothing and He is everything. That's what my family is dying for. That's what I'm going to live for.

(I pray after reading this if you aren't keeping up with what is happening in N. Iraq that you will become informed. Prayers are needed and the more we know the more effective we can be as far as intercession. If you would like some resources as to where you can read up on what's happening feel free to email me and I will send you what I have.) 

Who Does that?!

Luke 5:10-11
10-11 Jesus said to Simon, “There is nothing to fear. From now on you’ll be fishing for men and women.” They pulled their boats up on the beach, left them, nets and all, and followed him.

I've been thinking about this story a lot. Especially the past 3 weeks. 

Simon (who eventually was given the new name Peter) was going on about his business. He was waking up, getting dressed, meeting up with friends, and walking to work. Everyday he got on that boat and caught some fish. He was doing what so many of us do. He was doing what I was taught and accustomed to do.

And then one day...

Peter, minding his own business, met this guy who told him some crazy things. He told him some FOOLISH things.

"Simon," He said (in the Danielle translation), "Quit your job. Quit doing everything that makes sense to you. I've purposed something greater for you. You are meant to change the world. I know it doesn't make sense... But I don't think like you. I am not limited like you. I've GOT you."

The craziest thing about that story isn't really what Jesus said. I mean we have foreshadowing so we already knew who Jesus was in the story. Jesus is known for wacky stuff- Let's be real... the guy turned water to wine, told dead people to wake up, forgave a prostitute, and walked on water... and that's just the minor things. Dude was different.

To me the most insane thing was that Peter DID it. He dropped his nets. He abandoned all reason. He quit his day job to follow some guy he didn't even know. He didn't know that Jesus was the Messiah. He had never met Him before. 

Here's the thing... Jesus spoke to the inner cry of Peter and His only response to was to follow. Drop everything- give up the life he had always known for something that he had never seen. 

Who does that?!

How awesome is God though! Peter never went without. God sent people to provide for them- whatever they needed- just so that Jesus and the disciples could fulfill their purpose. 
At the end of Peters story was just the beginning... He changed the world, voiced the foundation of what the Church is built on. We still look to his life for how we should live. 

All because Peter dropped his nets. All because he quit his job- to follow Jesus.

I've had some crazy up's and downs these past few weeks. People voicing opinions that were hurtful, people promising one thing and doing another, and wondering how God was going to do what He assured me He would do.

BUT now it's MORNING. Joy is mine. God's faithfulness isn't determined by other's opinions of my obedience. His faithfulness isn't determined by other people's follow through. His faithfulness isn't even shifted by me. 

I don't know what God has called you to do. I don't know what nets you are supposed to put down, what thing you are supposed to let go of, and where your feet are supposed to take you. But here is what I do know...

"There is NOTHING to fear!"

That's what Jesus said. 

You can believe it.

July Has Been a Whirlwind!

Holy. Moly!

This month has been crazy! In the most spectacular way possible! 

If you haven't heard yet about all of the new things going on for the Craig's... you just wait! You may be just as blown away as we are at how The Lord has really moved in our lives since the last post. 

As you know God called me to quit my job. I had no idea what I was going to be doing but my husband and I decided to be obedient to His voice and I sent my resignation letter and went for the next week to be a camp counselor for a church camp that I went to 10 years ago.

Basically, all I can say is quitting my job was the best thing I could have ever done. Because God had some very amazing things lined up for us and we would have MISSED them had we not been obedient!

There are 3 key things that He dropped in our lap that week. I'll try to keep this short and sweet...

1. Youth Pastors. We have been Youth Pastors at our church for a while now and while at camp Cyler and I were asked to be the Youth Pastors for the Sonshine Network Conference. Basically that means we will be responsible for doing training's for Youth Pastors for over 150+ churches within the conference, helping get them get connected and build relationships with other youth pastors around them, and help with planning youth events for the conference. It includes a lot of travel so we will be home a lot less but we are SO excited for the opportunity! We have a heart for this generation and we are so thankful to be able to work alongside the leaders God has CHOSEN for such a time as this!

2. Women. We (with the help of on of the ladies in our community) are in the process of opening a Women's Center here in Macclenny. It's going to specialize in healing and counseling for young girls who have no where else to turn! We are SO excited about how God is moving and leading through this journey. We are praying that doors will be open SOON! But no later than the first of the year. Although, I believe God has placed the desire in our hearts and that He has already made provision... we are just waiting to see it!

3. Children. As you may know, from a previous post, Cyler and I have been wanting a baby for some time now. Although the process has been long and God still has not responded in the way we hoped we have surrendered to the timing of The Father. But, in the process we realize the desire to be parents hasn't gone away. So, after prayerfully talking through some options we are planning to begin the process of becoming Foster Parents at the end of the summer. My heart is overwhelmed at the idea of being the Love of Jesus to little ones that need it most!

Like I said... God has been so faithful. And this month really has been  WHIRLWIND. But we are excited!

But, if I'm being honest... we have some pretty huge needs right now. Financially we are looking around and wondering what we are going to do. We know God has a plan... He brought us here so He is working it out.

With that in mind, we believe that God moves through people. What we are praying for is that people will prayerfully consider is partnering with our ministry through prayer as intercessors and financially as sponsors. 

I know God has already worked out our provision and we don't have to worry. We are standing on faith and waiting to see Him move!

If you would like some more detail about what is going on (and to see a very spiffy Newsletter) email me at danielle.n.craig@gmail.com and I would be glad to send everything your way. 

And in the process we are also that people will agree to pray for some things above just our monthly budget to come in...

Some practical needs we have:

-A second vehicle. With beginning the process of Fostering we want to make sure I have a way to take the little one (or little ones) around during the day. And so I can get to appointments for the other ministries we are a part of while Cyler waits for his release from the corporate world.

-A printer with option to print in color. We will be sending out Newsletters to our sponsors (both prayer and financial) and it is so much easier (and cost effective) to just print everything off at home.

-Goods and Services. If you are unable to sponsor financially but want a way to give donated items are a great idea! These items can either be used or sold to bring in a little extra cash flow. Rental properties are also an option (or real estate). Services you may be able to provide are also a great way to help. Obviously we will still need to get haircuts, or we will need our lawn cut, etc... 


We are so excited about what God is doing in our lives. We believe we are positioned to be blown away by His goodness and are in a prime spot to see that His provision for us is better than our provision for us!

Thank you for being such an encouragement to us in the process! 

Again... if you have any questions or words of encouragent please feel free to email me at danielle.n.craig@gmail.com !

When One Day is Today

Right now, this very moment, I am staring at an empty desk. I have clothes drying in the dryer and I am in the process of packing. My heart is racing and my mind is following the same pattern.

Why? Because new things are sometimes too big for me. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I began a journey 10 years ago this week that I knew ultimately would change my life... One day.

Around the time I was 14 going on 15 I went to my first year of summer camp. That week changed me. I heard Gods call on my life for myself and there was no way anyone could take away the encounters I had with Him that week.

I came home and of course real life set in. The super high I was on slowly dwindled but the fire that started in my heart burnt so strong. I wanted what God wanted and even on days that felt mediocre, at best, I knew God had great plans for me.

I went through high school, graduated, and began my adult hood in a not so structured or traditional way. I bounced from home to home for various circumstances (that we can discuss later) and during this time in my life God actively pursued my heart while demonstrating His love for me. I never went a day without food, a night without a roof over my head, and I always had people in my corner.

God was real.... He wasn't easy but He was real. And I needed to see that... Because of today.

Today for the first time in 4 years I don't have a job. I didn't get fired. I even had a pretty good job. Brought in decent money, had an easy going supervisor, a team lead who has become like family... But I quit.

Why? Because God told me 10 years ago that I had a call. And this weekend He said it was time.

Time for what? Well... Something. Maybe it's time for faith to arise in my heart again. To re-open the places in my heart that only seem active when it's necessary to rely on God for our needs and not on myself and what I can do on my own.

For over 2 years I found comfort and, if I'm being honest, pride in my job and our financial situation as a family. I didn't realize that... But God did. And He loves me too much to let me start thinking that money is stability. 

He is, and really only ever has been, my stability. 

We face some really real needs right now. We are confused, nervous, seeing lack, and wondering what the flip is going on.

But we are feeling all of those things and being obedient.

God is so cool though. Because that camp I mentioned that I went to 10 years ago this week, I'm packing to go as a camp counselor. I leave in 2 hours. My prayer is that God will move on the hearts of these teens and that I can minister faithfully and that my experience 10 years ago will pale in comparison to what God does this week in the hearts of the girls I will be ministering to, and the others who are attending.

God works in big circles and funny ways. I forgot life could feel so adventurous.

I'm ready to see how God is going to work everything out. But my heart is pumped and my spirit full of faith.

Today I'm living in my One Day. 

Whoa.

That's all I got...Just...

Whoa.

"Why" Sure is a Loaded Question

I rarely ask God why. As a matter of fact, I can count on one hand the instances. He is sovereign and my life testifies of that.

But, occasionally, I would like to ask PEOPLE why. 

I'll never get the answers I want and more likely than not I probably won't even get an answer. But for the sake of myself and this post lets pretend that I'm looking in the face of those I want answers from and I finally ask. 

The question that burns most (although there are many) is this: Why did you take me in just to throw me away? 

I can guarantee that's a question many people speaking from their inner child ask of those who should've always been there...

We want to know why our dads walked out or why our moms chose other men and failed to realize the depth of love our tiny hearts held for the two people that made us. We blindly claimed you- yet you made us and thought mainly about yourself. 

I ask that question, just like many others, of my dad. To this day there is a longing in my heart for a fathers love, but no father to fill it. 

We sometimes ask this question to those that took us in. Guardians, foster parents, adoptive parents... 

Children who have an open heart to receive love, however, it seems there is an expectation to earn it. 

I ask that question of them to. I would never want to hurt anyone or victimize myself by naming names and pointing fingers... But maybe in the most kind, yet honest way it's time. 

It's time to call out the parents whether birth or by circumstance... Maybe your child is still a child or they are a grown adult...

Don't forsake. Don't condemn. Don't neglect. 

Because we children become parents one day. We need to know what a parent actually looks like. And it's YOUR mission/destiny/assignment to show us.

No free passes and no exceptions.

This post may never reach the eyes of those it is intended for (and it's the first post actually INTENDED for specific people) BUT for the eyes it reaches whether you be a parent or a one day parent...

Remember the weight of your calling as a momma or a daddy. Remember that you may see a child now but your raising up someone who is to care for your grandchildren and generations to come. Mold them, teach them, stay with them, and above all LOVE them- even when they are hard to love. Because, you parents were hard to love at one point too. 

And to those of us whose parents didn't have someone to call them out and tell them to do better... Let US do better. Let's raise generations after us to know what we didn't know. Unmerited love, and unquestionable stability. Whether our home is filled with children we birth or ones we choose to bring in- may we show children that love is a free gift and our hearts are big enough to embrace them- flaws and all- for their WHOLE life. 

Let us show the next generation the love of Jesus. And let that show the generation above us what's to be gained when they do the same. 

And, my prayer is that our hearts will embrace grace towards the ones who chose not to be stable for us, that we may be stable in love for them. 

My heart is heavy for those who may be asking this question. May The Lord show and make real to you the weight of His love and the desire to be your mother and your father. Embrace Him as Dad and let Him heal your broken places. He will. I know because He continues to do it in me. 

And above all...

To you children (or to your inner child) know you are worth more than you were given. And that there is one who lavishes love freely. And it's not too late to feel it!

Honestly, I don't know how to end this post. I've told myself countless times I'd never write anything like it. But why write if you can't be honest?

I hope this helped more than just me. But if it didn't, at least it was finally said. And for me... Right now... That's all that mattered. 

I Don't Like Us Church Folk

 

I don’t mean to sound rude or judgmental.  I don’t even mean to sound arrogant or better than anyone else.

Because I’m guilty.

You’re guilty.

I’m willing to bet we are all guilty.

 

I’ve grown up in church. I was even raised by pastors. And, though I wouldn’t call myself an expert I wouldn’t call myself an amateur when it comes to church culture and how we do things.

As I grew up I paid a lot of attention to the people that I associated myself with. If I was going to be different than everyone around me at school I needed to know why I was the same as the people that “claimed me as their own” at church.

From a child until now I’m rarely proud to be categorized as a “church goer” and sometimes I’m even LESS proud to be categorized as a “Christian.”

Now, wait. I know what’s about to happen. You’re about to put on your religious hat and think “How dare this woman- a minister at that- say she isn’t proud to be a CHRISTIAN. That heathen.” Here's the thing... I’m SO proud to be associated to and linked with Jesus. I’m even proud to be an outcast for my faith- as difficult as that can be at times. So before you go gettin all judge-y on me. Hear me out.

I figured the best way to go about describing us Church Going people in a way that highlights my observations and dislikes is to make a list.

I’ve got 6 main topics that really just irk my nerves.

Let’s dive in…

               1.We “Church Folks” don’t like looking in mirrors. We only look through windows.

Think about it. We will stand at a window and look out at everyone going about their             life and we will be the first to point fingers. We can spot peoples flaws from miles away and then we broadcast them before those people even know what hit them. We will condemn people; tell them they have no place in the Kingdom or even no place to teach us anything. But if we were to look at ourselves as the proverbial house and we walked through it- we don’t own a single mirror. Or if we do it’s dusty and covered in filth at best. Because when faced with our humanity (or to put it more honestly- our SIN) we don’t want to see it. It’s easier for us to throw stones at those passing by then acknowledge we are just as flawed. Maybe not in the same way, but we are.

2.We compete for Jesus’ affection. And we have the nerve to think we win.

This one gets me. And I’ve been guilty of it more times than I can count. We think there are qualifiers for the love of Jesus and if we look at our Sunday School Gold Star Chart that keeps track of us brining our tithes and offerings, how many visitors we bring to church, that we carry our bible with us wherever we go, and we even dress the most holy, we have WON the love of God.

Sometimes it’s so bad in our little “community” we will look at the people standing next to us on Sundays and we will highlight all of the things they aren’t doing right and it will just add fuel to our fire. Our hearts sing a song to God of selfishness and false humility. And we think He is proud.

I almost want to post a scripture here to prove that this doesn’t work-but honestly I could open the Bible to almost any story and show that God loves everyone but His eyes are on the humble. He chooses the most broken and unqualified. He chooses the ones that probably have the fewest amounts of those gold stars by their name on the Sunday School Chart. Jesus loves the dirty and unqualified. You know why?

They need Him. And they KNOW it.

They know that there is nothing they can do to earn His love and that it’s given FREELY. And they relish in that freedom. And are changed by it.

3. We are better than everyone else (even though yesterday we were as filthy as the one we judge)

This one I was almost tempted not to put because it seemed redundant. But, I’m putting it anyway. Ya can’t stop me.

As self-explanatory as this is, I feel the need to add some detail. I’ve noticed a pattern in Christians that when we get saved we forget the level of grace it really took to save us. And we will look at people who actively struggle with their sin after they make a declaration of faith and we deny them the privilege of a process. I’ve also found that the SIN we magnify in others is the very sin that we have struggled with ourselves.

We gotta give grace in the process people. We don’t have it all together. We may not struggle with all the things we started off with. But we are still struggling. And how we measure grace is how it will be measured back to us. 

4. We think we are qualified.

I’ll keep this simple. We AREN’T.

We will never measure up by our merit. EVER!

And that’s great news! I’m not qualified but God still chooses me. So I don’t have to do things perfectly. I still walk in grace. And my disqualifications point back to a Savior that chooses me anyway.

Relish in not being good enough. Let Jesus handle being perfect. He’s got than one down pat! 

5. We rate sin.

From what I’ve observed… we Christians have a grading scale of sin.

Alcohol= bad

Gossip= disguised as prayer request (no grade needed)

See what I did there? ;)

It seems as though the sins that carry the most weight are the ones people can see.

But I challenge you with this… I say that the sins we can’t see carry the most consequences. Not that they are worse, necessarily, but that they create the most casualties.

Let me explain. Someone goes out and buys and smokes crack. That’s pretty bad, I can’t lie. But, really, at the end of the day that guy’s struggle really only affects him and his family.

Now, say that guy has a twin brother who is actively involved with church/ministry. Never does drugs or drinks alcohol or never steals BUT he exaggerates the truth (*ahem* lies) and he talks about everyone and their momma’s best friends cousins baby daddy’s nephew. He has created an impossible situation for that person he talks about and could seriously destroy any hope that that individual (or anyone connected to that string of gossip) would ever step foot in a church.

Who has done the most damage.

My opinion? (Thanks for asking…)

Sins of the heart are much more detrimental to our faith and the credibility of the church as a whole than a man or a woman struggling with addictions, sexual identity, or lustful thoughts.

1 Samuel 16:7 says “ the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”

6. Last but not least: We will probably get mad at this post because it shows that our righteousness pretty much sucks.

We Christians, church folks, whatever you want to call us… we are pretty messed up. We just don’t like to be reminded.

Let’s embrace the freedom that comes with grace, mercy, and love. For ourselves and for everyone connected to the faith.

 

I know this post is harsh. But if God is going to kick my butt I’m not taking the reprimand alone. A community of believers is a beautiful thing. We are supposed to work together, worship together, live life together, and work through things- TOGETHER.

Let’s take off this false righteousness the world see’s us wear and put on the righteousness of Christ. The one that compels us to love deeper and forgive often.

Our faith was never meant to make life cushy. It was to push us to strive to dig into the dirty places in people and help bring hope and life and never make them feel bad for being dirty.

Let’s make church and Christianity something to be proud of again. Let’s make it look like Jesus.

 

I want to end with this-

 

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." Phil. 3:12-14 The Message

Uh, God... You're Late.

Today I find myself opposite of where I thought I would be.
I’m writing about the opposite of what I have been planning on writing on this day.
And I feel different about that fact than I thought I would.

Four years ago today I had an experience that changed my life. At the time I was with another guy who I intended to marry. And I was pregnant. We were driving into Pensacola with his family for the day. Those were normally pretty fun trips.
There was something SO different happening to me, though. See, no one knew I was pregnant and I couldn’t just tell them how I was feeling. But I felt miserable.
Without going into a lot of details, I miscarried that day. In a public restroom. And I couldn’t tell anyone.
For several months I carried the pain of knowing what I had lost… And the isolation I felt because no one could comfort me.
It was hard- and when people finally found out their words made it harder.

I’ve never had the intention of telling that story publically. It’s not something that is pleasant to talk about… or hear about for that matter.

But in order for me to explain where I’m at you had to know where I came from to get here.

I’ve been married now for a year. BEST YEAR EVER! God has done some tremendous things in and for us. That being said, I was believing him for something specific. For about 6 months my husband and I have had the hopes of announcing a new baby on the way.

I believed in February we would be making that announcement.
I had a blog in mind specifically for announcing how God makes everything beautiful just in time. How He turned my place of sorrow and hurt into a place of rejoicing.

This month has been slightly different than I expected it to be. At the beginning of the month I held my friends hand as her body miscarried her baby. I was humbled at the grace that she was given to walk through it. She has been so strong through her process. I truly look up to her.

Then, a week ago today (after already realizing I wasn’t pregnant), my husband and I went to a follow up appointment of mine to look at an ultra sound I had done several months ago.

The news was quite disappointing. Without going into a lot of detail they told me there was a chance that it could be difficult for Cyler and I to conceive. Because of what’s going in my body things aren't functioning the way there are supposed to.

I broke.

I didn’t want to have to walk through that battle. It sounds selfish (and honestly it is) but I’ve seen the emotional roller coaster it can be and I was angry that I was being buckled in to that ride.

I feel very different today. I gave myself a few days to really think about everything… and honestly even though I’m on the other side of my promise of children- I still have that promise. Nothing a doctor says or my body does can change the fact that God promised babies. I’ve dreamt of them and been given words about them and I will meet them.

This month has made my faith stronger. It’s given me perspective. And it’s caused me to activate a level of faith and trust that I haven’t had to tap into for a while.

Before conceived my children are already making me a better person.

I can’t wait for the announcement. But until then, I’ll wait and pray and enjoy the process.

I know we have each been in places where we are looking at the opposite of what we are believing, hoping, and even fasting for. God still makes things beautiful- JUST IN TIME. And the beautiful thing about that is that he is making the process beautiful as well.

Learn about God in your wait. It will make your relationship so much richer when you finally get your promise.
A
nd that makes the wait worth it.


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Oops, I did it again.

I've made an uh oh.
An oopsie.
A biiiig mistake.

Probably not disastrous, and probably one that is relatable to many other people. But, still. If I'm being honest- I'm a little bummed about this.

See... Here's what happened.

Last year I was trying to lay strategies for this year. I wanted to make a big impact on 2014 so I figured the best way to go about that was to set goals- BIG goals.

And man did I set a lot.

The secret is, I haven't accomplished ANY of the goals I set. As in, I haven't even started and I think they may have been really unrealistic.

I was planning to start January enrolled full time in classes to begin the journey of becoming a nurse (that has since changed... but I'll tell you all about that later), I was going to have a new post on the blog every day of the week, I was going to join the gym, I was going to eat healthier. I was probably going to make world peace, thankfully I didn't write that down. This would be a much more serious post if I had.

I know all of those goals were wonderful and challenging and exactly what I (emphasis on I) wanted for this year, and some of them are still completely doable, but others just aren't happening at this point.

I felt the need to apologize for making public goals, and then not completing them (or not even starting them for that matter) so I suppose you can take this as an apology if you need it...

But, I think there was some good in it-at least for me. And maybe the good that I've found can encourage you.

No, I haven't blogged everyday so far this year (actually I haven't blogged at all but who is keeping track), I haven't worked out or joined a gym, I haven't started school yet, and I haven't given the world peace... but here is what I've done.

I've rested. I've spent time with my husband and together we celebrated our 1 year anniversary. I've spent time with friends. I've taken trips. I've created long term goals that are reasonable to set and can be accomplished with the resources I have available. I've done a lot in a little over a month.

I was intentional.

Just not intentional about the things I thought were important a few months ago.

I love this blog and I love my readers... but the thing about it that I love the most is it isn't a chore. It isn't a job. It's a place for me to process my thoughts and maybe help a few others along the way.

I don't want that to change.

So, here is my new goal with this blog.

To enjoy it. To share with it. And to talk to you (whoever or however many you are).

Here's the thing, goals are important. But so is making sure you have time to spend on the real important things- people.

Maybe I should have made people my resolution this year. To build them up, to love them, and to share life with them.

I hope that I continue to do THAT all year long.


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I'd love to hear from you guys!

Click here to like the facebook page: http://tinyurl.com/ls6od7h

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The Toughest Question

I've been battling with a question. I don't really know if anyone could have  answered it but me... But it was eating at me for some time.

I don't know how many of you are familiar with the story of the 3 Hebrew boys who were thrown into the fire for not bowing down to a false god that the king created. If you grew up in church I'm sure you remember. If you haven't,well... It's a powerful story... You should  check it out in Daniel chapter 3 in the Bible.

Anywho... These 3 guys were LITERALLY thrown into the fire for doing everything right. They were staying faithful to God by not worshipping the fake one. They were punished for doing the right thing and at first glance God never stepped in. It appeared salvation didn't  come to the faithful ones.

They were dying faithful servants. They didn't deny God even in what seemed to be their last moments. 

That part of the story I couldn't get passed. How could God allow that? Why wouldn't He rescue them? Why allow the terror and confusion that I'm sure they felt as they were bound and condemned as righteous men to their death? With that level of faithfulness God SHOULD have just smote the king or something, right?! Are you with me?! 

I just recently experienced a time of testing unlike anything I've ever known. To put it abstractly- I was stripped naked, stoned, beat up, sentenced to death... By people that I loved more than I thought imaginable. I was applying scripture principles to life and I expected to have the results that I perceived to be the consequence of faithfulness... Salvation from the fire. Spared from the pain.

I was fasting and praying and seemingly taking the fault for something I hadn't done in effort to be the peace maker. 

I received no grace from man. I wasn't spared from the hurt and pain of the fire- so to speak. The consequence of faithfulness was being tossed into the flames the enemy created to harm me.

For a long time after that (I'd say about the last year in a half or 2 years) I've wrestled with a question that I never thought I would be asking.

Is God truly faithful? 

Honestly, and ashamedly, my answer was I didnt think so. He, from what I could tell, hadn't been faithful to me. He allowed my enemies to triumph over me. They won. 

That's what I thought, at least. I've been a broken shell of a human. I've been a broken leader. Trying to preach what I wasn't even confident of myself.

I let my story stop at being tossed in the fire. And I was sitting down waiting to die.

But then I thought about the other half of the story of the 3 Hebrew boys. Sure, they were thrown in the fire. 

But God was already in the fire. Their testimony wasn't that of tragedy but of triumph that punched their enemy in the face. And those who tried to kill them found their salvation.

Recently, that story has brought me to tears. Because I can see the truth in my furnace. 

Sometimes God's faithfulness is actually found IN the fire- not in the sparing.

And my furnace- the things meant to kill, hurt, or shame me- is someone else's salvation.

Ask me today if God is faithful. My answer is unequivocally YES!! Every time! In my faithfulness and unfaithfulness. 

He is faithful regardless of me or my enemies. He is faithful because that's who He is. 

Knowing that makes the fires of life easier to embrace. Because I know now that I'm not in them alone. God will always be in the fire to spare my life and create a miracle.